M A R K O ' D O N N E L L W E E K
- - - -
(Mark O'Donnell is New York City's smartest and best-looking man. As
such, he has a new book out, his fourth, entitled Let Nothing You Dismay
(Knopf, 1998). To celebrate this very happy occasion, we are presenting
a full week of the work of Mr. O'Donnell, including some older things
and a few excerpts from the new book. Yes. Mr. O'Donnell also sings
beautifully.)
- - - -
NEXT SEASON'S BLOCKBENDERS
BY MARK O'DONNELL
(Attorney General Janet Reno and the FCC have asked Hollywood to
voluntarily impose new regulations limiting violence in films -- USA
Today)
The Complicator
Inconvenience runs rampant when the robotic Complicator (Arnold
Schwarzenegger) comes back from the future to prevent the romances that
will lead to the birth of four actors who have revived *Beatlemania* in
the otherwise peaceful twenty-first century. He traps Christian Slater
in a dressing room at the Gap on the afternoon he otherwise would have
proposed to Ally Sheedy, whose short-tempered character breaks up with
him and therefore never gives birth to "Paul." The Complicator also
manages to get Corey Haim on jury duty during spring break, disguises
himself as a hairdresser to convince Kathryn Harrold that her sweetheart
(D.B. Sweeney) is "too lightweight", and hypnotizes neo-hippie Drew
Barrymore into believing the world is overpopulated and she should not
have children (at which point Schwarzenegger utters the
soon-to-be-classic line, "Adios, 'Ringo!'")
Uncomfortable Acquaintance
Glenn Close and Glenn Frey (in the first Glenn-to-Glenn romance on the
mainstream screen) portray well-meaning but edgily neurotic people in a
big city (The Jackson Five). They are introduced at a party, forget all
about it, and then keep running into each other without remembering the
other's name, to embarassing results. Close's character snaps at clumsy
waiters a few times, so we wonder what she's going to do to Glenn if he
forgets her name again, even though she's not so hot with names herself.
It's an illness, really. In a climax sure to make the blood run on the
cool side, Glenn (director Adrian Lyne won't say *which *Glenn) finally
insists they figure out a mnemonic way to remember each other's names.
I Slapped Hitler
An intellectually-enhanced Mickey Rourke and the young Clint Eastwood
(courtesy the new psychibooster and retro-morphing technologies,
respectively) star in this World War Two thriller about the Marines'
Attractive Misfit Corps, who, in collaboration with the French
underground (Gerard Depardieu, in a double role), decide Hitler (played
by himself in a bid for a comeback) has gone too far and must be
reprimanded. Bruce Dern (as is) portrays a specially paroled American
convict (imprisoned after a five-state slapping spree) whom the team
recruits to give the Feuhrer his comeuppance. Disguised as shopgirls,
they conceal themselves in a Berlin candy shop where Hitler comes to buy
Werther's Original butter candies. Suspense mounts, though only to a
guaranteed bearable pitch, as no one knows when Dern will start to slap
his colleagues or cackle too loudly from beneath the counter.
Ironically, when the big moment arrives, Dern's tortured character slaps
not only Hitler but himself -- the most intense self-administered slap
in screen history, promises producer Tony Bill (Barry Diller).
Dead to the World
Jean Claude Van Damme plays a tired wholesale shampoo salesman who
knocks people unconscious in hotels all over Asia in his quest for a
good night's sleep. Late night revelers, noisy motorcyclists, and even
an arguing pair of con men (Cheech and Chong) all "meet the Sandman," as
Van Damme's character exhorts them before he slugs them (always
observing the new One Punch limit). Censors are still debating the
inclusion of a scene in which Van Damme fires his legally borrowed
Wildlife Department tranquilizer gun at a compulsively trombone-playing
Joan Chen.
Detained!
Robert Altman directs five interwoven plots of late-comers to a brunch,
and what kept them, in what he dubs a "social disaster" movie. Jeff and
Beau Bridges have to coax a napping cat out of their car's engine block;
Melanie Griffith gets talking on the phone and just can't get off; Julie
Hagerty and Charles Grodin get lost in a strange neighborhood and
tensely resolve to try their Spanish skills to ask directions; Demi
Moore must rush her young daughter (Rumer Willis) to the hospital after
the child swallows a rhinestone; and Daniel Day-Lewis is kidnapped by
terrorists who threaten to kill him, although this last episode is
handled in a light, bumbling style that implies everything will work out
fine. The climactic brunch will be presented in the new Olfact-o-round
process in an effort to attract the Foodie crowd.
The Sweetz on the Streetz
This debut feature by fifteen-year-old Fonzel Cripes shows the dangers
and the unexpected beauties of driving a Mister Tas-Tee Truck through
the mean streets of Carmel. Rodney Allen Rippy plays a troubled adult
who has lost both his parents when they moved to Miami and stopped
supporting him, and in desperation (he auditions for TV commercials and
is told he's no good) turns to selling "snack." Rival ice-cream drivers
Ben and Jerry (Dennis Hopper and Steve Guttenberg) tease him mercilessly
for his watery product, cloying logo and insipid recorded chimes, until
Rippy can take no more, and, after a frozen custard fight Hollywood
hopes won't inspire "copycat" mayhem in school cafeterias, he enrolls in
dog grooming school. Rapper Mista Tas-Tee (no relation) provides the
theme, "Milk N Suga', Whip N Go."
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
- - - -
The Service Industry, Part One
The Service Industry, Part Three
The Service Industry, Part Two
- - - -
Recent Newspaper Headlines Explained
Trisomy 21, Television 20
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.