- - - -
Just in time for Valentine's Day,
the Guardian in London has
reviewed and raved about
The Secret Language of Sleep.
And, for the rest of the week,
you can buy it for $5!
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I CAN GET MY PANTS OFF BY TIM ROGERS
[Introduction, which referenced the president and his interest in phone sex, omitted -- Ed.] . . . so I thought I would give sex via telephone a try. My wife, who is pregnant, offered her services. It went like this: Her: "Mmm, I'm touching myself." Me: "Ooh, where?" Her: "On my big, pregnant belly." I thought it best to contact a professional. A little research led me to 1-800-WET-BUTT. At $3.99 per minute, here's the conversation I had: "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hi!" "Hi!" "Who's this?" "My name's Tim. What's your name?" "Ashleigh. [I'm guessing, obviously, on the spelling.]" "Is that your real name, Ashleigh?" "[laughing] Why do you say that, Tim?" "Oh, I don't know. I guess I'm a skeptic." "You're a skeptic?" "Uh-huh [wondering how much the effort to establish her real name has already cost me]." "Well, yes, my name is Ashleigh, and I'm in California." "Interesting. I'm in Dallas." "Are you?" "Yeah." "Work out there?" "Well, I try to work, yes. And this is my first phone sex call." "Is it?" "Yeah." "This is, like, my third." "[laughing like I've heard that one before, even though I haven't] It's your third? Really. So, uh, so how do we begin?" "Well, I had a good time on the phone last time." "Did ya?" "Yeah, I got to know this particular person, and he told me a little about himself and what he did and where he was from. And, I don't know, one thing led to another. He sounded gorgeous. So maybe you could tell me what you look like and what you like to do for fun, and we can take it from there." "All that sounds like it would get very expensive if I started describing myself in detail." "Well, you can tell me your height and weight and what size cock you have." "I'm 6 feet tall, and I weigh 170 pounds. And, uh, I don't know. I guess my, my cock is probably average size [laughing because, strangely enough, telling a woman whose real name I'm fairly sure I don't know that I have an average size cock, over the phone, is embarrassing]." "[laughing] What's average? I don't have a cock chart." "You've read the Kinsey report, right? Whatever average is." "[really having a hearty chuckle] You are so funny, Tim!" "Uh-huh. So how big are your genitalia?" "[chuckling] Well, I have 36B breasts, and my butt is a 32." "Is it? And do you have big feet?" "No. What's big? I wear a 6 1/2." "Gotcha. [pause] So this is probably like a cliché-type question, but what are you wearing?" "Right now?" "Uh-huh." "Well, I have on a tank top. A short kind of top. And thong underwear." "Thong underwear?" "Yeah. They're black satin. Well, the front part [laughing]." "And those would be, like, smalls?" "No. Mine are medium." "Do they let you try those on before you buy them, or is that the sort of thing where you just need to know your size when you buy it?" "They don't let you try on panties in the store." "Do they let you try on bras? I haven't bought too many bras, myself, is why I ask." "Do you have a girlfriend?" "Uh, actually I have a wife, yeah." "[pause] Does she take you shopping?" "Sure, but usually I wait outside so that it makes her feel guilty and makes her shop more quickly." "[hardy-harring] That's a good method." "It's gets her in and out. A little double entendre there for you." "[pause that I estimate cost me 34 cents] Oh. [15-cent pause] So, okay, tell me, what do you have on?" "I'm not wearing any shoes, actually. I wear a size 10, in case you're curious. And I got a pair of bluejeans on and a pullover shirt. And, uh, a pair of boxers. All-cotton. Size large." "Well, you're just fully dressed here." "Oh, and I have a watch on, too." "[laughing nervously] What's the watch for?" "You got to keep track of time. Know what I'm saying? A little fiscal responsibility." "[laughing, which is beginning to wear thin] Okay, well, tell me this. Can I at least get you to take off the jeans?" "[realizing that from where I'm sitting, with the sun going down and the light on in my curtainless office, I'm clearly visible to several neighbors and so guessing how long it takes to shed bluejeans, but not wanting to overestimate because let's remember the clock is running] All right, I got my jeans off." "That fast?" "You know how long it takes to take off a pair of jeans?" "It doesn't take me that fast. Because I have to hold on or sit down. Maybe cause mine are tight." "I'm agile, and I wear loose jeans." "Did you take your shoes off?" "I wasn't wearing any shoes. See? You're not listening very closely." "[laughing nervously] Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "You know, I'll tell you what. My wife is about to get out of the bath, so I'm going to head off." "Why you got to go?" "She's going to get out of the bath here, and it's getting late." "Well, okay. It was nice speaking with you." "Okay." "Bye [expertly extending the conversation for those last few pennies]." "Bye [conclusion, which made a tie-in to President and his interest in phone sex, omitted -- Ed.]."
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Excerpts From My Speech on Forest Fire Prevention Current Band Names Wondered About A Free Service Provided By McSweeney's (Itself a Free Service) The Top Ten Most Censored Press Releases of 1998 Pizza Sales, Uncensored McSweeney's No.2 Currently on a slow boat from Reykjavik Randy Cohen Week My Airspace
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