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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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T H E F U T U R E W I L L EXTENDED DANCE REMIX
(Note: a shorter version of this ran two weeks ago in the New York Times as "On Three, Everybody Change Places." We bring you this longer version because this is the web. The web is nice.) BY DAVE EGGERS Garth Brooks, the platinum-selling country singer, recently announced his intention to play for the San Diego Padres, a major league baseball team, setting off an avalanche (if you will) of lateral movement among our powerful and famous. Within minutes of Mr. Brooks's arrival at spring training, Rick Prieto, the utility infielder he displaced, announced plans to take the place of George Clooney on the popular television drama "ER." Mr. Clooney, in a logical move, will then become head of the American Red Cross, taking the post once held by Elizabeth Dole, who will of course become President of the United States. (At the inaugural, she will wear red.) Bill Clinton, the former President, will then become Governor of New Jersey, allowing Christine Todd Whitman to take the New Jersey Senate seat vacated by Frank Lautenberg, who will commute to New York City to become its Mayor. Rudolph Giuliani will take his carpetbag to Tennessee, assuming Fred Thompson's Senate seat, allowing Mr. Thompson to return to playing high-ranking White House officials in Hollywood thrillers, though forcing out David Paymer and Paul Sorvino. The two actors, after failing to procure financing for a new restaurant -- to be called Mama's & Papa's (Italian and Jewish food, with opera singing, subdued lighting, nice ambiance) -- will become the prominent progeny of sixties cultural icons the Mama and the Papas. Wilson Phillips, in a small jump, will become the prominent progeny of sixties cultural icons, allowing Julian and Sean Lennon to become the prominent progeny of sixties cultural icons, though forcing out Jon Podhoretz. Podhoretz, a longtime fan of New Wave pioneers Blondie, will replace the band's lead singer (and play keyboards) on the current reunion tour. Deborah Harry will paint pictures and direct movies set in SoHo (she will sing on the soundtrack, and cast Gary Oldham to play herself), while Julian Schnabel, feeling cramped, needing space, seeking a new challenge for the heroâs soul, will move to Oakland to become its mayor. Former mayor/governor/son of governor/missionary Jerry Brown and his advisor Jacques Barzhugi, happy to get out of a gig that had already turned into a complete bummer, will leave their waterfront compound and take off, making the seven-hour drive down Highway 1, to become Ashley Judd. Ashley Judd will become her sister, Wynonna. Wynonna will become their mother, Naomi Judd, who in turn will become Paul Rudd, who will become head of HUD. Andrew Cuomo will take over for Mary Bono, who will leave the U.S. House for the Italian Parliament, replacing Alessandra Mussolini, who, seeking more exposure, will take the place of Ciccolina, who, returning to her interest in politics, will move to the Czech Republic, where she will replace Vaclav Havel, who will be in Tokyo playing bass with the Stones. The forced-out Bill Wyman will find his voice and become Rod Stewart, who in turn will go back to playing soccer, signing with Manchester United, displacing that team's star striker and his wife, the erstwhile Posh Spice. Victoria and David will then move to Saudi Arabia to take the place of an exiled dictator, a spot vacated by Idi Amin, who will leave to buy a video store in Rantoul, Illinois, on the windows of which he will place his own visage, to much protest. Tommy Thompson, the seller of the video store, will take the place of Tommy Thompson, punter for the San Francisco 49ers, who will replace Tommy Thompson, governor of Wisconsin. The latter Thompson will become Master-P, rapper and basketball hopeful, who will enroll at Western Kentucky University, taking the spot vacated by forward Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who will coach high school basketball in New Mexico, allowing NBA legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to make crowd-pleasing Elizabethan-era romantic comedies starring Gwenyth Paltrow and Ben Affleck. Film director John Madden will replace NFL commentator John Madden, who will become Distinguished Professor of Political Science at Northeastern University. Michael Dukakis will leave to write alliteratively-titled novels and seek the ambassadorship to Mexico, as William Weld moves to Carbondale to teach at Southern Illinois University. Losing his post to Weld, Paul Simon, the former Illinois Senator, will abandon public policy to compose hit musicals and be married to Edie Brickell. The slightly more dimunitive Paul Simon will become the boxer, Prince Naseem, who will take over for Prince Phillip, who will displace Prince Charles who, looking through the glass brightly, will take on the commissions of I.M. Pei, who will take over for Zahi Hawass as director of the Pyramids at Giza. Hawass, with new friend and FoxTV "Lost Tombs" cohost Maury Povich, will launch a new talk show for Egyptologists going through relationship problems. Jenny Jones, no longer clinging to the last daytime slot, will marry Wayne Gretzy, allowing Janet Jones to write diarrhetic novels about thirtysomething women in Britain, leaving Bridget Jones nŽe Helen Fielding to move to Lincolnshire and write feel-good columns for the Chicago Tribune, replacing Bob Greene, who will become fitness guru to Oprah Winfrey, leaving Bob Greene to finally follow his dream of becoming an actor. He'll take the roles once offered to Phillip Michael Thomas, who will replace Jonathon Taylor Thomas, who will direct, taking over for Paul Thomas Anderson, just replaced by Wes Anderson and now singing sophisticated pop songs once favored by Sting, who, in a move (he) long expected, will become king. (Of Jordan, taking the still-grieving Mariah Carey as his wife). Abdullah, always a natural with papier mache, will become George Segal, who will become George Segal, who will beef up to star in exciting action movies, leaving Steven Seagal to pursue his interest in environmental causes, nudging Robert Redford into fulfilling a lifelong dream -- to move to Peru to become a spotted lemur. The spotted lemur he will replace will take the post recently vacated by Representative-cum-Speaker Robert Livingston, who will move to Orlando to start a harmonizing white-soul vocal group with three stylish friends. N'Sync, in a logical move, will become governor of Florida, touching off a flurry of activity: Jeb will become George W., George W. will become George Sr., who has become Gerald. Ford, in a move that will not surprise friends, will move to the Keys to become a deep-sea fishing boat. The Monkey Business, jobless after Ford's arrival, will become Stephen Jay Gould, who will become Stephen Wright, who will become Stephen Wright, who will become Keith Van Horn, who has taken the spot of Larry Bird, who will become the former First Lady, allowing Ladybird, in a long-awaited move, to become the head of the Federal Reserve. Alan Greenspan, finally free to follow his heart, will sing pop-flavored country songs to adoring fans in sold-out arenas. His CD, Double Alan Live, will go platinum in five days, a record.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
I wear blue, disposable paper surgical gowns, double rubber gloves, and a face mask attached to a battery operated backpack respirator.An Interview With Dr. Charles Calisher. Part One, Part Two, Part Three Some People Are Not Grateful; Certain Journals Are Now Available in Manhattan; What Will Happen in the Future.
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