L A D I E S A N D G E N T L E M E N O F
T H E J U R Y , I S T H I S T H E
F A C E O F A B A D C O P ?
A B R U T A L I Z E R O F
I N N O C E N T M E N ? [ T U R N S ,
P O I N T S T O O F F I C E R V O L P E ,
W H O I S W E A R I N G T H A T
S M I R K O F H I S . ] U H ,
S C R A T C H T H A T . S O A N Y W A Y ...
BY MIKE GERBER AND JONATHAN SCHWARZ
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"Prosecutors have asserted that one of the officers on trial, Justin A.
Volpe, shoved part of a broken broomstick into Abner Louima's rectum at
the police station house where he was taken after being arrested. But
Mr. Volpe's lawyer, Marvyn M. Kornberg, suggested during opening
statements on Tuesday that Mr. Louima's injuries could have been caused
by his having sex with a man..."
-- New York Times, May 7
Alternative Theory #2: A Strong Wind
The litigant's injuries occurred when an object was blown into his
rectum by
a fierce wind. Just as tornados have been known to embed straw in the
trunks
of trees, or force chickens unharmed into jugs, a localized, extremely
powerful disturbance -- what meterologists call a "microburst" -- easily
could have launched a plunger, broomstick, or what-have-you into the
rear-end
of Mr. Louima. Whether this was consensual or not is a question only he
can
answer.
Alternative Theory #3: Accidental
The litigant slipped on soap in the shower. Such accidents are
embarrassing,
but hardly uncommon. Means: a back-scrubber. Motive: clumsiness.
Opportunity:
bathtime. Case closed.
Alternative Theory #4: Voodoun
It is well known that many Haitians practice "voodoun," a religion
believed to have been
brought to the Western Hemisphere from Africa. Who is to say
that Mr. Louima's injuries are not the result of some frenzied, unholy
ritual? Or that they did not occur when one of the litigant's many
enemies created a doll in his likeness, the buttocks of which were then
jabbed repeatedly with a sharp pin?
(Please note: As unwholesome as Mr. Louima's practices may seem to us,
let us remember that they are protected by our country's First
Amendment.)
Alternative Theory #5: Self-inflicted
The litigant was using a stick to retrieve something he had inserted in
himself earlier for safekeeping -- his car keys, for example, or a
valuable
family heirloom -- and lost his grip. While this may seem farfetched, we
do well to remember that the precise circumstances which led to Mr.
Louima's injuries are limited only by the human imagination, while the
prosecution would have us believe that just one truth -- THEIR truth --
is the only truth. Perhaps it is Mr. Louima who has behaved
irresponsibly,
not Officer Volpe. Perhaps it is Mr. Louima, a guest in our country, who
is
forcing the wooden stick of false accusations up Officer Volpe's
metaphorical
heinie.
Alternative Theory #6: Amadou Diallo
Amadou Diallo caused the injuries to the litigant during overly-vigorous
albeit consensual sex. An outraged Mr. Louima responded by shooting at
him 41 times, 19 of which struck home. A crime of passion, plain and
simple.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
- - - -
Our Fathers, Ourselves A Plea For Understanding
Top Ten Most Censored Press Release of 1998. No 4 Mazda Protege Poll Says "Twentysomethings" Can't Be Put In A Box
History's Great Persons Reconsidered. Part One: Abraham Lincoln
What We Saw On Our Trip By Chris Bray
The First Time I Met My Father, His Eyes Said Disappointment By Lucy Thomas
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