S I X T E E N P U N C H L I N E S
It was so hot, Pamela Anderson got in her car and immediately lowered all the windows while the a/c kicked in. It was so hot, Patsy Ramsey sat on her couch, doing nothing. It was so hot, Loni Anderson spent the day by the pool. It was so hot, Boris Yeltsin made three calls to the office of the International Monetary Fund, had a sandwich, and took a nap. It was so hot, Gary Busey devoured two grams of cocaine and called a waiter, "Mister brother." It was so hot, a representative at the United Nations wasted an entire day staring at the Pepsi sign and thinking, "What name will she use to bill my credit card?" It was so hot, an American aircraft carrier took up station in the Red Sea, within striking distance of Iraq's southern no-fly zone. It was so hot, after a game, members of a men's softball team chose to remember a few good plays and forget their many mistakes. It was so hot, students at an unaccredited film school finally signed for cameras and took to the streets to express their unique visions. It was so hot, two nurses made morbid jokes that nearby patients could hear, and the patients couldn't tell if the nurses thought they couldn't hear, or if they just didn't care. It was so hot, a fly-fisherman planned to release a big trout after taking its picture, but when he couldn't find the camera, he killed the trout to show it to his girlfriend. It was so hot, a husband and wife hadn't made love for five months because the husband was having an affair with his friend's wife, and the wife was having an affair with their doctor, and they both knew everything and didn't talk about it, because they were terrified. It was so hot, an office worker who wiped his nasal discharge beneath his desk for years said to himself, "Someday, someone will move this desk." It was so hot, a mediocre talent got his big break by refusing to give up, and his talented but lazier friend felt pierced by jealousy, and started thinking up ways to tell him that he only succeeded because he doesn't know how bad he really is. It was so hot, a parade of victorious soldiers basked in the adulation of the crowd, while one of them wondered if the people would like them as much if they knew how horny they all were. It was so hot, a woman waiting for the subway imagined jumping down onto the track bed, hopping over the electric rails, and climbing up on the far platform. Then she wondered if anyone watching would be impressed. After a moment, she decided that yes, they would be impressed.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Altamont Is Over: A Reminiscence By Todd Pruzan Some Letters. Some Of These Letters Make Us Sad McSweeney's #3 Is Almost Finished. You Have One Week To Submit Subscription Checks. Godzilla in Delaware, Era of the Revolution By Andy Battaglia Wanted: Honest Americans To Help In Aiding, Preserving, And Ensuring The Long-Term Survival Of: The Museum Of Jurassic Technology, Los Angeles, Calif. |
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.