Perfect for Mother's Day: the Baby Be of Use series or The Secret Language of Sleep. - - - - |
H I S T O R Y ' S G R E A T P E R S O N S BY TIM CARVELL PRINCESS DIANA I don't think anyone could dispute that the death of Princess Diana was a great human tragedy -- senseless, brutal, horrific. But just think how much more of a tragedy it would have been, had she been en route to delivering a speech in which she divulged the cure to cancer. - - - - EMMANUEL LEWIS Go ahead, laugh at Emmanuel Lewis. Laugh all you want. Okay, you can stop now. No, really, cut it out. Certainly, the tiny former TV star may not seem like a serious personage. But perhaps all of it -- the role on "Webster", the subsequent decline from the public eye, the occasional tabloid story -- has all been a ruse, designed to keep the American public from discovering the truth: that Emmanuel Lewis has been single-handedly managing the nation's economy for over twenty years. Think about it: Let's say that you're the greatest economic genius the world has yet produced. And yet, you're doomed to always look like an adorable ten-year-old. Do you attempt to become chairman of the Fed all by yourself? Or do you hire a series of amiable character actors to play the role of the Fed chief, all the while quietly pulling the strings behind the scenes, conveniently arranging a TV role for yourself to explain the vast riches you're accumulating? Think about it. - - - - MAHATMA GANDHI There are few, I think, who would dispute that Mahatma Gandhi deserves to be considered one of the great heroes of the twentieth century -- if not, indeed, the greatest person this century has produced. His message of nonviolence and unfathomable restraint shamed the British and served as an example, not just for his countrymen, but for us all. But let us now consider what it would take for us to reexamine his legacy. Clearly, murder or arson would put him right over the line. But let's start small: Were we to learn that he was a lousy tipper, he'd probably still be okay. Rude to his staff? Still okay -- he was a busy man, had a lot of stress in his life, was hungry. It happens. Cursed like a sailor? Damaging, but still not fatal -- could be interpreted as colorful. Here, I think, is the dividing line -- everything below it, he's still a hero; everything above it, he doesn't make the TIME 100: What if it were discovered that he often, in conversation, would refer to the necessity of "managing" the Gandhi "brand", "leveraging" its "equity" through a series of corporate sponsorships and joint ventures? Or perhaps worse, that he underwent radical plastic surgery, resurfaced in the United States, and toured as a popular singer named Ike Turner? - - - - JAMES DEAN Had James Dean lived, the odds are good that, at one point or another,
he
would have starred in a television program as a private detective.
- - - - [NOTE: We here are proud to announce the McSweeney's Weekly NFL Picks, the first of many new links, which will be added as time and humidity permit. If you watch football, or read about football, or are looking for well-placed references to the MC5 and Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips, please look for Jeff Johnson's predictions today, and every forthcoming Friday throughout the season, until the season ends, at which time the predictions will cease, because there will be no more games played, the season being over.]
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
I Am a Concerned Chilled Orange-Juice Customer By Tim Rogers In the Kingdom of the Unabomber, Part XIV: Pimping for Kaczynski By Gary Greenberg In the Kingdom of the Unabomber, Part VI: "He Probably Never Felt a Thing" By Gary Greenberg In the Kingdom of the Unabomber, Part III: The Mark of Zorro By Gary Greenberg In the Kingdom of the Unabomber, Part II: The Franchiser By Gary Greenberg |
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