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Dave Eggers' The Wild Things is available for preorder, in regular hardcover and
limited-edition fur-covered.

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F I G H T S  I ' V E  R E C E N T L Y  S E E N I N  W H I C H  I  W A S  N O T  I N V O L V E D , B U T  S T I L L  P L A Y E D  A  P A R T , H O W E V E R  M I N O R , D O N E  I N  T H R E E  S H O R T  P L A Y S . (This Is Part One.) BY JOHN WARNER - - - - CHARACTERS Boyfriend: Mid 20's tanned, wraparound sunglasses perched on top of head. Girlfriend: Mid 20's blond, tanned, wearing cutoff jean shorts and a Sammy Sosa jersey. She is pretty, except when she is not. Passerby: Someone like me, but not me, I was just watching. This person spoke. Me: Me. SCENE Dusk, a tree and car lined city street. A sprinkler chicka chicka's away on a nearby lawn watering as much sidewalk as grass. There are a handful of pedestrians walking by as BOYFRIEND, in the driver's seat of a black, somewhat sporty car attempts to maneuver into a parallel parked position. The car jerks and lurches as he moves back and forth. The engine growls underneath his heavy foot. GIRLFRIEND is outside of the car, shouting instructions. The car windows are up. Music, deep and bassy, thunders from the stereo, audible even outside the car. GIRLFRIEND (shrieking) Cut the wheel! Now now now! Cut it! Turn goddamn it! BOYFRIEND (Gesturing and shouting, unintelligible) GIRLFRIEND I can't fucking hear you! BOYFRIEND (Unintelligible, shouting and gesturing) BOYFRIEND bumps into the car in the space behind him, a taillight falls off his somewhat sporty black car. GIRLFRIEND picks up taillight and knocks it against the still closed car window. GIRLFRIEND Fucker! Stop! Listen to me! Stop! BOYFRIEND (Gesturing and shouting, unintelligible) PASSERBY (Shouting) Why don't you roll the window down? GIRLFRIEND (To PASSERBY) Fuck off jerk! BOYFRIEND (Unintelligible, waving, shaking fist) GIRLFRIEND (To ME) Why don't you take a picture asshole, it'll last longer! END (The next in this series will appear at a later date. Do not try to guess when because we will not tell you.)     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - History's Great Persons Reconsidered: Four New Ones By Tim Carvell I Am a Concerned Chilled Orange-Juice Customer By Tim Rogers In the Kingdom of the Unabomber, Part XIV: Pimping for Kaczynski By Gary Greenberg In the Kingdom of the Unabomber, Part VI: "He Probably Never Felt a Thing" By Gary Greenberg In the Kingdom of the Unabomber, Part III: The Mark of Zorro By Gary Greenberg

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE WINGS AT THE BALLET YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT THANKS AND HAVE FUN RUNNING THE COUNTRY LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL