Perfect for Mother's Day: the Baby Be of Use series or The Secret Language of Sleep. - - - -

F I G H T S  I ' V E  R E C E N T L Y  S E E N I N  W H I C H  I  W A S  N O T  I N V O L V E D , B U T  S T I L L  P L A Y E D  A  P A R T , H O W E V E R  M I N O R , D O N E  I N  T H R E E  S H O R T  P L A Y S . (This Is Part One.) BY JOHN WARNER - - - - CHARACTERS Boyfriend: Mid 20's tanned, wraparound sunglasses perched on top of head. Girlfriend: Mid 20's blond, tanned, wearing cutoff jean shorts and a Sammy Sosa jersey. She is pretty, except when she is not. Passerby: Someone like me, but not me, I was just watching. This person spoke. Me: Me. SCENE Dusk, a tree and car lined city street. A sprinkler chicka chicka's away on a nearby lawn watering as much sidewalk as grass. There are a handful of pedestrians walking by as BOYFRIEND, in the driver's seat of a black, somewhat sporty car attempts to maneuver into a parallel parked position. The car jerks and lurches as he moves back and forth. The engine growls underneath his heavy foot. GIRLFRIEND is outside of the car, shouting instructions. The car windows are up. Music, deep and bassy, thunders from the stereo, audible even outside the car. GIRLFRIEND (shrieking) Cut the wheel! Now now now! Cut it! Turn goddamn it! BOYFRIEND (Gesturing and shouting, unintelligible) GIRLFRIEND I can't fucking hear you! BOYFRIEND (Unintelligible, shouting and gesturing) BOYFRIEND bumps into the car in the space behind him, a taillight falls off his somewhat sporty black car. GIRLFRIEND picks up taillight and knocks it against the still closed car window. GIRLFRIEND Fucker! Stop! Listen to me! Stop! BOYFRIEND (Gesturing and shouting, unintelligible) PASSERBY (Shouting) Why don't you roll the window down? GIRLFRIEND (To PASSERBY) Fuck off jerk! BOYFRIEND (Unintelligible, waving, shaking fist) GIRLFRIEND (To ME) Why don't you take a picture asshole, it'll last longer! END (The next in this series will appear at a later date. Do not try to guess when because we will not tell you.)     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - History's Great Persons Reconsidered: Four New Ones By Tim Carvell I Am a Concerned Chilled Orange-Juice Customer By Tim Rogers In the Kingdom of the Unabomber, Part XIV: Pimping for Kaczynski By Gary Greenberg In the Kingdom of the Unabomber, Part VI: "He Probably Never Felt a Thing" By Gary Greenberg In the Kingdom of the Unabomber, Part III: The Mark of Zorro By Gary Greenberg

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL