A L O G I C P U Z Z L E
A N D
A H A N G O V E R C U R E .
BY JOHN HODGMAN
- - - -
1.
There is a room with seven chairs in it.
Eight people are standing in the room.
Some of them are Vampires.
Some of them are Normals.
Vampires always lie.
Normals always tell the truth.
The room has three enormous windows in it, all facing west.
It is six o'clock on an October evening.
Sunset may be seen through the westward windows. It is magnificent.
(By the way, the Vampires have been awake all day. The sun does not
kill
them. They're not that kind of Vampires)
The Vampires are very handsome and very beautiful at the same time.
They
only tell handsome and beautiful lies.
The Normals are wandering around the room, spreading vicious truths
wherever
they go.
There are two large bottles of inexpensive wine on the table, one of
which
is poisoned, one of which is not.
Also, you are ruinously drunk.
Either a Vampire or a Normal touches your shoulder and suggests
something
that surprises you.
It begins as a statement and ends as a question.
Without feeling for fangs, and lying or telling the truth as you see
fit,
what three questions and two statements do you pose in order to
determine
whether you are standing or sitting down?
HINT: the wine is rosé.
2.
Combine the yolk of one egg with 4 ounces of flat club soda.
Add milk and vodka (warm) to taste.
Rent "The Seven Samurai" and begin watching it.
Drink the yolk/soda/milk/vodka combination while watching Tape 1 of "The
Seven Samurai," rubbing bare feet on the carpet.
Upon conclusion of Tape 1, decide to take a shower, then change your
mind.
Prepare a box of instant mashed potatoes as directed. Add one whole
bottle
of tobasco and the juice of one lemon.
While mixing, remember high school until it becomes too painful to
continue.
While sucking on one ice cube, watch Tape 2 of "The Seven Samurai" until
conclusion.
Reaffirm your faith that any effort to save a village of peasants from
marauding bandits will always end in tragedy.
Sleep for ten hours.
Awaken at sunset and suddenly realize: EVERYONE is standing, including
yourself.
Attempt to explain this to your wife.
If you do not have carpeting, substitute a bathmat or an old coat.
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