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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama
.

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E A S Y
H A L L O W E E N   C O S T U M E
I D E A S .


This probably should have been posted last week. Sorry.
BY TIM CARVELL

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Undertaker:
Wear dark suit, white shirt, dark tie. Speak in modulated tones.

Undercover Police Officer:
Dress as usual, only more so. Act as you usually would, only more so. Swagger.

White House Intern:
Wear khakis, button-down shirt. Behave as you usually would. They're not all like her, you know.

Proctologist:
Wear a coat and a tie. Behave normally. What, you think they're all ass-grabbing freaks or something? They're not. They're normal people, just like you and me.

War Criminal:
Dress as you usually do. Act as you usually do. Decline to supply information about your past.

Douglas Fairbanks:
Locate grave of Douglas Fairbanks, dig up remains, attach them to self with duct tape. Behave as you imagine Douglas Fairbanks might.

A Unicorn:
Dress as you usually would. Inform people that you are dressed as a unicorn. When people point out that you look nothing like a unicorn, tell them that unicorns don't exist, and to stop being such babies.

Amputee:
Drink a fifth of bourbon. With a sharp, clean knife, remove one or more limbs. Cauterize wound(s).

Newborn Baby:
Shave off all body hair, cover self in amniotic fluid. Arrange to be carried around by ankles. Mingle.

Ned Beatty:
Find a plastic surgeon who will make you look as much like Ned Beatty as is surgically possible. Many surgeons will refuse; keep looking until you find one who agrees. Undergo many painful operations until you are a dead ringer for Ned Beatty. Arrive at party and be mistaken for Ned Beatty, then inform your friends of what you have done. They will be amazed. It will all be worth it.

 

 

OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
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Ponce de Leon and the Fountain of Youth By Christopher Orlet
Appropriate Names for Pets By Chadd S. Johnson
One-Time Deals By Ben Greenman
This Show That Colleen Werthmann Is Doing Tuesday
A Logic Puzzle and A Hangover Cure By John Hodgman

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TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO,
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INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS

FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING

OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND

DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN

MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY

DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER

STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT

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