E A S Y
H A L L O W E E N C O S T U M E
I D E A S .
This probably should have been posted last week. Sorry.
BY TIM CARVELL
- - - -
Undertaker:
Wear dark suit, white shirt, dark tie. Speak in modulated tones.
Undercover Police Officer:
Dress as usual, only more so. Act as you usually would, only more so.
Swagger.
White House Intern:
Wear khakis, button-down shirt. Behave as you usually would. They're not
all like her, you know.
Proctologist:
Wear a coat and a tie. Behave normally. What, you think they're all
ass-grabbing freaks or something? They're not. They're normal people,
just
like you and me.
War Criminal:
Dress as you usually do. Act as you usually do. Decline to supply
information about your past.
Douglas Fairbanks:
Locate grave of Douglas Fairbanks, dig up remains, attach them to self
with
duct tape. Behave as you imagine Douglas Fairbanks might.
A Unicorn:
Dress as you usually would. Inform people that you are dressed as a
unicorn. When people point out that you look nothing like a unicorn,
tell
them that unicorns don't exist, and to stop being such babies.
Amputee:
Drink a fifth of bourbon. With a sharp, clean knife, remove one or more
limbs. Cauterize wound(s).
Newborn Baby:
Shave off all body hair, cover self in amniotic fluid. Arrange to be
carried around by ankles. Mingle.
Ned Beatty:
Find a plastic surgeon who will make you look as much like Ned Beatty as
is
surgically possible. Many surgeons will refuse; keep looking until you
find
one who agrees. Undergo many painful operations until you are a dead
ringer
for Ned Beatty. Arrive at party and be mistaken for Ned Beatty, then
inform
your friends of what you have done. They will be amazed. It will all be
worth it.
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