There are a few things you should know about The Devil when he enters your home. First: He wears no shoes and his socks are often filthy and/or torn. Second: He likes your mouth, and frequently will try to put his hand inside it. Third: He is an emotional wreck. Do not let him touch the wine and do not probe too deeply with your questions. Now make dinner. He likes fried foods. Shrimp is his favorite. He'll eat your left-over tails too. He says they feel like helicopter blades in his throat. For a beverage, have plenty of Dr. Pepper on hand. He loves that stuff; and not just because he owns the soul of the man who invented it. He will talk a lot while eating and he says the word "soul" too often for your comfort. You may ask him bluntly what he does with these souls when he has them signed over to his name. "I arrange them in my living room and watch TV with them," he explains. "I have conversations and arguments with them. They are just like the friends you have that visit you. But when I get bored I can stretch them out and bounce on them like trampolines." You may notice that The Devil likes to play with ice cubes in his mouth before spitting them across the room. He also bites his nails while releasing tiny, poisonous farts. Humor him when he does these things by giggling timidly and remember to constantly remind him that he is pure evil. If you are going to a movie, keep in mind that he does not like Mickey Rourke or Richard Gere. He will pay for your ticket and he will buy popcorn with extra butter and salt. He will offer his arm as you walk down the aisle. He will want to sit close to a fire exit because it makes him feel at home. When the lights go low, he will put his long arm around your shoulder and pull you close to him. You will feel his hot breath exhaling from his flaring nostrils. When you are relaxed he will stick his hand inside your mouth. When the evening is coming to a close you must be firm yet friendly. He may wish to "come inside" for a nightcap or hot espresso drink. He is not above pleading, and is known to complain during these moments about his feet. Avert your eyes from the dirty socks. Maybe offer to buy him shoes on your "next date". Don't say sandals. He will explode in anger if you say sandals. He will wake up the neighborhood if you even slightly suggest that he wear sandals. When The Devil thinks of sandals he thinks of machine guns. Do not say sandals at any time during the evening and avoid wearing them yourself. While we're on the subject I should also point out that The Devil's facial hair is called a "Goatee" and not a beard. "Beard" is also a bad word to utter in his presence. He likes the word goatee and explains that Christians find the term "creepy." So never say "beard" unless you want to deal with 911. It is very important to maintain control of these last moments of your date. It is fun to date The Prince of Darkness, or at least not boring, but if you let him manipulate you on your first date he will never develop deep, caring feelings for you and will dump you like a month-old angelfood cake. Purse your lips tightly closed and kiss him lightly on his lips. Watch out for his hands -- they will gravitate toward your mouth.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Notes on Revising Last Night's Dream By Ben Greenman Last Supper Assignments By Chadd S. Johnson Today's Most Funniest Movie Bloopers By Mike Sacks Reviews of Stories and Anecdotes Recently Related to Me By Christina Nunez A Far-Reaching Inquiry By Bill Wasik |
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