Through this Friday, all available back issues of Wholphin are half off—10 bucks apiece for countless warm evenings of rare films, featuring Miranda July, Paul Rudd, Donald Trump, and a monkey-faced eel. - - - -

T W O   T V   W E A T H E R M E N , A T   A   P O S T   O F F I C E I N   S Y R A C U S E ,   N E W   Y O R K , P A S S   T H E   T I M E I N   L I N E ,   S P E A K I N G . As hurriedly but nonetheless faithfully transcribed mere minutes after the fact by PAUL MALISZEWSKI - - - - Guy from Channel Five: Hi, Jim? Jim Barach, from channel five. Guy from Channel Nine: Oh, hi, how are you? [Jim Teske (Ch. 9) and Jim Barach (Ch. 5) shake hands, while I stand between them.] Five: Not bad, not bad. How are things with you? Nine: Things are pretty quiet today. Pretty quiet. Today's my day off. Five: Hey, I know how that goes. ... Five: I'm heading in now. I just got a call that there was a fire at Unisys. Now they're having trouble downloading any new satellite images. I don't know quite what to expect when I go in. ... Nine: So, you getting ready for your first winter? Five: [chuckling, heh heh] Well, I was here for half of last year, but it's going to be different. Nine: Different from Florida. Five: You're right about that. But I did three or four years in Kansas before that, so I know how it can get. I know about the cold but not so much the snow. It'll be different. ... Five: Jim, does your dad own a clothing store? Nine: Yeah, uh, it's over on-- Five: That's what I thought! I thought your dad owned a clothing store. I've been in there. I've seen him. Nine: Really? He never mentioned it to me. He knows everyone who comes in and out there and he's always telling me who came in. Five: Well, I was new in town. Nine: Oh. ... Five: Jim, have you been on your new set yet? Nine: Yes, I have. Yesterday. It's nice. They did a good job with it. Five: It looks nice. We got a new set too. I like how ours looks. Nine: The lighting's good. They've done a good job with the lighting. They've got us backlit better so we stand out more. Five: Right. ... Five: So what's with Eichorn [Dave Eichorn, the senior-most meteorologist at Channel Nine]? Doesn't he stick around when Mondays go late? [Referring, no doubt, to broadcasts of ABC's Monday Night Football.] Nine: He wants some time with his family. His son is five-years-old now. We won't be doing that during sweeps. Five: [chuckling knowingly, heh heh ha] Nine: Just wanted to be home early in the evenings a little bit. Five: Well, you tell him I said he's a weanie. Nine: What? Oh, okay. Five: You can tell him I said he's a big weanie. Nine: Right, okay.     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - Losers' Auction By Lawrence Douglas & Alexander George On This Day in History By Jason Adams Glamorous By Sylvie Callahan Ten Consecutive Corners By Ben Greenman A House for Dee Dee By Christina Nunez

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S SICK OF THE REVOLUTION DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S VACATION LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL