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M A N I F E S T O F O R
T H E M E L E S S R E S T A U R A N T .
BY PETER SCHOOFF
- - - -
- Fridays will be treated like any other day. Same with Saturday.
Wednesdays will not be referred to as Hump-day.
- There will be no ketchup on the table. Patrons requesting ketchup
will be
asked to leave.
- Baseball hats will be discouraged.
- Message-bearing T-shirts will be confiscated.
- The restaurant will not employ actors.
- The words "Best," and "Super" will not appear on the menu.
- Waiters will wear a button declaring their disdain for buttons in
general.
- Any patron resembling Elvis will be refused entrance.
- No sideburns.
- No food will be served that can be traced to a specific region,
ethnicity, or trend.
- Nothing on the menu will taste like chicken.
- Any person or persons caught celebrating a birthday, anniversary,
or Valentine's Day will be asked to leave.
- So as not to risk loosening anyone's resistance toward theme
restaurants, and to avoid embarrassing sing-alongs, no alcohol will be
served in establishment.
- To avoid overly cheerful soda displays, and to avoid hearing the
phrase, "Do the Dew," the restaurant will not serve soda. Therefore only
plain water will be served. In a plain glass. No straw.
- Any celebrity who can be traced to Kevin Bacon will be refused
admittance.
- Kevin Bacon will be refused admittamce.
- And his brother, the music man -- no admittance
- The restaurant will sponsor one open-mike night. The names of those
who participate will be duly noted and they will be banned from the
restaurant for life.
- Anyone wearing cowboy boots, a construction helmet, or a uniform of
any kind, must show proof of employment in said field. Anyone without
proof will be forced to change into neutral clothing. Cowboy hats will
be banned altogether.
- The jukebox will only play hits from February 1983.
- Dining will take no longer than 22 minutes. After 22 minutes
patrons will leave.
Thank you.
-- Restaurant Manifesto People
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
- - - -
Regarding the Surviving Members of the Grateful Dead and Their Current Taping Policy: A Conversation with the Hippie in the Basement Apartment By Jim Vallet
Bad Names for Action Movies By Peter Schooff
What Orrin Hatch Must Do To Win By Eric McHenry
Hypothetical Transcript of the Discussion Leading to the Decision to
Euthanize Hsing-Hsing the Giant Panda By Kevin Shay
Fragments from Microsoft! The Musical By Ben Greenman
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