— Q-Tips: stolen every time I am drunk in someone else's house — Black Sabbath's Greatest Hits (disc 2 only): stolen from ex co-worker James B., in retribution for his leaving my car door unlocked in a bad neighborhood, thereby facilitating the theft of my car stereo (with Ozzy solo album Blizzard of Ozz still inside said stereo) — An Orlando Cepeda commemorative coin: stolen from current co-worker Jeff A., who has season tickets to the Giants, and who often gives me free tickets — A yellow wooden tennis racket: stolen from my mother, more for the novelty of its ancient construction than any practical use — Spring Snow, by Yukio Mishima: "borrowed" from ex-roommate Leif S. for going on six years now; still haven't finished it — An Oakland Raiders squeeze-type water bottle: stolen from Aunt Jude, on whom its beauty was wasted — A yellow plastic colander (slightly melted): stolen from friend Christine F. after I melted it slightly, in a misguided effort to hide the evidence; I used it while cooking her pasta once, and she didn't mention it, so I now consider it a gift — $4.75 in quarters (for laundry): stolen from yet another ex-roommate, Everett A. — Laundry detergent: ibid — Tales Too Ticklish To Tell (a Bloom County book which I already had): stolen from college dorm roommate Lew P. for no good reason at all — A Ren & Stimpy refrigerator magnet: stolen from Alex E., whom, truth be told, I don't like all that much — The idea for a Lord of the Flies meets "Gilligan's Island" story: stolen from friend Matt L., who doesn't realize he also gave me the idea for this list — A lingerie photo of my sister's husband's brother's wife: stolen from my sister's husband's brother — Love: it's only stolen if you don't return it, so: sorry, Uncle Barry — Lincoln by They Might Be Giants: also stolen from Lew P., who should have known better — Issue #180 of "The Incredible Hulk" (featuring the first appearance of Wolverine): stolen from my brother, who spent way too much time engaging me in debates over the relative merits of the green Hulk vs. the gray Hulk, and Wolverine's blue-and-yellow costume vs. Wolverine's brown-and-orange costume, and who would win in a fight, Wolverine or Jean-Claude Van Damme as the Universal Soldier — A yellow Bic disposable razor (previously used): stolen from ex-roommate Andrew S. before a job interview (I didn't get the job, and I cut myself twice; in an unrelated development, I later dipped his toothbrush in the toilet bowl) — Garlic salt: stolen every time I am sober in someone else's house
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
The Gravity Foundation Addresses Merge/Sort Junior High School By Carol Magary Stand By John By Neal Pollack Mr. Blackwell, a Literary Analysis By Gustavo P. Secchi The Most Useful FAQ Ever By T.G. Gibbon Fragments from Ivanka! The Musical By Ben Greenman |
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