Timothy McSweeney's Header Image

We're giving away books this holiday season. Click here to learn more about our very special holiday deal.

- - - -

T H O U G H T   P O L I C E
B L O T T E R .


BY KURT LUCHS

- - - -

A Bronx branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank was robbed twice yesterday and once this morning in the mind of Andy Scherer, 27. Scherer, a tax consultant, does not own any firearms and has never committed a violent act. Recently, however, he has fallen prey to increasingly savage and vivid daydreams in which he binds and gags the employees and customers of his local bank branch at gunpoint and, after emptying the vault and firing shots that cause mass-cowering, makes a spectacular getaway on rocket-powered rollerblades.

- - - -

At 2:43 a.m. last night, Rosemary Gonzalez, 43, of Deerfield, Illinois, briefly considered setting her cheating, unemployed husband Armando on fire as he slept, but gave up her plan when she realized she was out of lighter fluid and there were no stores open. Her thoughts then shifted to a copper colander she had seen on sale earlier in the day at Crate & Barrel.

- - - -

Tom Maxwell, 38, of Reno, Nevada, willfully and forcefully generated a mental image of a naked Sharon Stone without the actress's consent, which he then projected onto his wife Patricia as they were having mechanical, partially clothed sex sometime after 10 p.m. last Thursday. The illicit illusion lasted approximately two-and-a-half minutes, after which Maxwell's powers of imagination failed and he fought back an overwhelming desire to weep.

- - - -

Elaine Younger, an administrative assistant at the Oakland Discount Tire Outlet, contemplated stealing a box of blue ball-point pens, a stack of post-it note pads, and other minor office supplies this past Friday afternoon during her 3 o'clock break. The 51-year-old native then remembered that she still had not used up the supplies she had filched from her last place of employment. At this point the words, "Oh God, my pap smear results!" flashed through her mind, obliterating all thoughts of petty theft.

- - - -

Robert Michaels once again decided this morning that kidnapping was the only way to resolve in his favor the ongoing custody battle with his ex-wife, Clarice. He mentally rehearsed a detailed plan to abduct his two children, Bob, Jr. and Lindsay, from the parochial school they attend in Great Neck, Long Island, going over the fine points out loud with local barman Tony Mendiola. The plan became clearer after the second beer, but somewhat fuzzy after the fourth, and all but disappeared from Michaels' consciousness after the seventh. Michaels, 49, is now resting quietly in the back seat of his car.

- - - -

A series of highly obscene and abusive calls was nearly made over the past four days by a Gary, Indiana woman who works as a receptionist in the administrative office of Ronald Reagan Elementary. Helen Blossey, 58, came within seconds of making the calls at least several dozen times, being stopped only by incoming calls at the switchboard, which she had to answer. On each occasion, Blossey was prepared to unleash a stream of profanities upon whatever stranger picked up her randomly dialed call. Police have yet to discern a motive.

- - - -

Randall Gillispie, 31, mentally stalked his coworker, Anne Schwartz, for the eighth time this month in what has become an obsessive evening ritual for the Bridgeport, Connecticut resident. His imagination followed her home after she got off the 5:32 express train two stops before him. He pictured her entering her apartment while he loitered nearby, incorporeal and impotent, unable to mentally enter her home because he had never actually been inside it and thus could not clearly picture the interior.

 

 

OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
- - - -


How I Voted in the Weather Channel's Top 10 Storms of the Century Poll By Kevin Guilfoile
Those Heady Days Are Behind Us Now: A Review of "Bicentennial Man" By Paul Maliszewski
Things I Have Stolen From My Friends and Family By Thomas Collins
The Gravity Foundation Addresses Merge/Sort Junior High School By Carol Magary
Stand By John By Neal Pollack

- - - -

MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES

 

Memories of Amanda Davis

 


Red dot denotes content that is new today.

Black dot denotes newish content.

McSWEENEY'S STORE

SUBSCRIBE TO:
McSWEENEY'S
THE BELIEVER
WHOLPHIN

FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS

THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD

INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE

THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING

McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST

McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES

ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES:
FOR BOOKS
FOR THE QUARTERLY
FOR THE WEBSITE
FOR WHOLPHIN

McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS

CONTACT US

- - - -

LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S

LISTS

McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS

McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS

NEW WHOLPHIN FILM

DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST

JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY

REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD

DISPATCHES FROM MANILA

DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW

SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT?

DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA

THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL

BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS

DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST

SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL

DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S SICK OF THE REVOLUTION

DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ

SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES

PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON

STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE

DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET

KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE

SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY

LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES

THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST

ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT

ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES

ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS

ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS

ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS

ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA

ABOUT DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S VACATION

LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY

DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY

ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY

DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE

JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES

B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE

INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS

OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND

DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN

MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY

DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO
A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA


DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER

STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT

- - - -

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL