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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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C O N V E R S A T I O N S W H I L E   C A N V A S S I N G   F O R B I L L   B R A D L E Y I N   S M A L L N E W   H A M P S H I R E   T O W N S . BY DAVID GAFFEN - - - - A LARGE HOME IN HAMPTON, ON THE COAST: Me: Hi. Is that a coonhound? Man at Door: Yes, it is. He dug that hole over there yesterday in about two minutes. Me: Well, I'm here canvassing for Bill Bradley, and I wanted to give you the latest literature we've got. Man at Door: I'm voting for Bill Bradley. When George Bush Sr.was here 10 years ago, he couldn't get out of this state fast enough. If Jesus himself showed up here and was running for President as a Republican, I wouldn't support him, because 10 years ago, we were starving. - - - - IN A BAR IN NASHUA. Me: So I'll give you my email address. Female Rutgers University Student #1 to #2: What's up? Student #2 to #1: We're getting digits. Student #2, to me, raising her eyebrows and smiling: I don't have a pen. I have lip liner. Student #1, to #2: He has a fiancee. No lip liner. - - - - WITH A FRIEND IN SALEM. Friend: Hi, we're here on behalf of Bill Bradley. I wanted to give you some of his most recent literature, and want to know if you've made any decision for Tuesday. Man at Door: Well, I'm not sure. Y'know, kind of like 'em both. Friend: Well, are there any specific issues that you're most interested in, or anything you want to know? Man at Door: Well, y'know, I don't know. I mean, I'm not sure yet. I like 'em, and not sure what I want to do yet. Friend: So you're undecided, and have no particular reason you want to vote for either Gore or Bradley. Man at Door: Nope, just, not decided. Y'know, I'm just, y'know, thinking it all over. (to kids) C'mon, we can go real soon. Friend, having noticed sled inside: Taking them sledding? Man at Door: Yeah, well, I think so. I'm probably going in a half-hour. - - - - AT A WENDY'S IN TEWKSBURY, MASS., NEXT TO OUR HOTEL. Older man with glasses: People come up to me and say, 'Hey, Dave' a lot. Another man, who doesn't look like Dave Thomas: You should parlay that into a cheeseburger. Y'know, say, 'I'm Dave's brother' or something like that. Woman: What's his daughter's name again? Me: Wendy. Woman: Oh...yeah. - - - - A RESTSTOP IN CONNECTICUT, SUNDAY EVENING. Me: You have batteries? Clerk: (long pause) Yes. Over there, two aisles down. Clerk on the P.A., noticing 20 more volunteers entering the store: Attention employees, we have a Code 2. Me, to a friend: Hospitable place. Clerk: Will the bus driver of the Greyhound bus please approach the front of the building?     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - The Zapruder Film: The Novelization By Mike Sacks Satan's Girlfriend By Jamie Dyer Actual Reviews Posted on amazon.com by Me, in Utter Slack-Jawed Ignorance of the Books Involved, and with Grammatical Errors Intact By Tim Church Announcing: The McSweeney's Contest to Procure the Right to Write a Book about Electrical Engineering on Boats Letters Found on Computers at an Internet Café in Bangkok Compiled by John Bowe

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL