C O N V E R S A T I O N S W H I L E   C A N V A S S I N G   F O R B I L L   B R A D L E Y I N   S M A L L N E W   H A M P S H I R E   T O W N S . BY DAVID GAFFEN - - - - A LARGE HOME IN HAMPTON, ON THE COAST: Me: Hi. Is that a coonhound? Man at Door: Yes, it is. He dug that hole over there yesterday in about two minutes. Me: Well, I'm here canvassing for Bill Bradley, and I wanted to give you the latest literature we've got. Man at Door: I'm voting for Bill Bradley. When George Bush Sr.was here 10 years ago, he couldn't get out of this state fast enough. If Jesus himself showed up here and was running for President as a Republican, I wouldn't support him, because 10 years ago, we were starving. - - - - IN A BAR IN NASHUA. Me: So I'll give you my email address. Female Rutgers University Student #1 to #2: What's up? Student #2 to #1: We're getting digits. Student #2, to me, raising her eyebrows and smiling: I don't have a pen. I have lip liner. Student #1, to #2: He has a fiancee. No lip liner. - - - - WITH A FRIEND IN SALEM. Friend: Hi, we're here on behalf of Bill Bradley. I wanted to give you some of his most recent literature, and want to know if you've made any decision for Tuesday. Man at Door: Well, I'm not sure. Y'know, kind of like 'em both. Friend: Well, are there any specific issues that you're most interested in, or anything you want to know? Man at Door: Well, y'know, I don't know. I mean, I'm not sure yet. I like 'em, and not sure what I want to do yet. Friend: So you're undecided, and have no particular reason you want to vote for either Gore or Bradley. Man at Door: Nope, just, not decided. Y'know, I'm just, y'know, thinking it all over. (to kids) C'mon, we can go real soon. Friend, having noticed sled inside: Taking them sledding? Man at Door: Yeah, well, I think so. I'm probably going in a half-hour. - - - - AT A WENDY'S IN TEWKSBURY, MASS., NEXT TO OUR HOTEL. Older man with glasses: People come up to me and say, 'Hey, Dave' a lot. Another man, who doesn't look like Dave Thomas: You should parlay that into a cheeseburger. Y'know, say, 'I'm Dave's brother' or something like that. Woman: What's his daughter's name again? Me: Wendy. Woman: Oh...yeah. - - - - A RESTSTOP IN CONNECTICUT, SUNDAY EVENING. Me: You have batteries? Clerk: (long pause) Yes. Over there, two aisles down. Clerk on the P.A., noticing 20 more volunteers entering the store: Attention employees, we have a Code 2. Me, to a friend: Hospitable place. Clerk: Will the bus driver of the Greyhound bus please approach the front of the building?     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - The Zapruder Film: The Novelization By Mike Sacks Satan's Girlfriend By Jamie Dyer Actual Reviews Posted on amazon.com by Me, in Utter Slack-Jawed Ignorance of the Books Involved, and with Grammatical Errors Intact By Tim Church Announcing: The McSweeney's Contest to Procure the Right to Write a Book about Electrical Engineering on Boats Letters Found on Computers at an Internet Café in Bangkok Compiled by John Bowe

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL