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Dave Eggers' The Wild Things is available for preorder, in regular hardcover and
limited-edition fur-covered.

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T H I S   W E E K ' S
S C H O O L   L U N C H E S .


BY PETER BEBERGAL

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Monday:
Chicken-crisps (hamburger may be substituted), peas, milk. Dessert: apple or chocolate cookie. I can't sleep unless I check all the switches.

Tuesday:
Choice of French-bread pizza or turkey ham sandwich, steamed vegetable mix, chilled peaches, milk. If I bang my head I count 1 plus 1 is 2, 2 plus 2 is 4, 4 plus 4 is 8, 8 plus 8 is 16, and I keep going until I 'm sure I don't have brain damage.

Wednesday:
If everyone had seven fingers it wouldn't even be weird because everyone would have seven fingers. We would all go around and say, wouldn't it be weird if we had five fingers. I can see into the future. Choice of steak-um sandwich or Italian-style cold-cut sub with lettuce and tomato, quick-baked potato, fruit shortcake, milk.

Thursday:
Sometimes when I have to pee I drop a tissue square in the toilet first and then pee on it so no one will hear me, peeing. It really helps to quiet the sound, of the pee, when it goes in the toilet. Steak and cheese sub, carrots, applesauce, milk. Secondary schools add green beans.

Friday:
When I am older I will carry things around in buckets. All kinds of things. I will have secret areas that I will put them in, and then each day the things in the buckets will be different. I don't know why I like buckets, but I saw a picture of a lady with wooden shoes on and she was carrying around things in buckets attached to a pole. I asked my dad why, and he said it's her job. I could do that, easy. Alternate for the week: Chef's choice.

 

 

OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
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Story That Uses an Item From the News as a Starting-Off Point By Ben Greenman
The Women of the House Science Committee, as Classified by The Beach Boys By Carol Magary
Honest-to-God Trivia Questions From "Tv Guide's TV Game," a Board Game Manufactured in 1984 By Michael Colton
Breaker By Tommy Wallach
Eighteen Half Truths By Christopher Painter

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