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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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K E E P I N G   I T   I N   T H E   F A M I L Y ( " I T "   B E I N G   W O R K ) : A   O N E - P A R T   S E R I E S O N   A M E R I C A ' S L E A S T - W O R R I S O M E I N S T A N C E S   O F   N E P O T I S M . BY WILLIAM HAM - - - - Robert L. Talbot, Sr., commuter-rail conductor, Wilmette, IL: got his second cousin, "Terry,"* a summer job punching tickets on the Metra Commuter Rail System of Northeast Illinois; let him wear "the good hat." Sandy Damson, assistant manager, Hill O' Beans coffee house, Cambridge, WI: hired cousin, "Tina," to help with the lunchtime rush; once saw her take a quarter out of the tip jar to complete payment on the washing of a load of laundry; didn't say anything. Paul Kowalczyk, used-computer-parts retailer, Leftover Bytes, Northampton, MA: put stepbrother, "Eric," to work doing inventory at end of fiscal quarter; alleged to have said on one occasion, "Sure, you can take off five minutes early today. Just don't tell anybody [italics mine]." Gary Bancroft, homeless vagrant, Philadelphia, PA: gave his brother-in-law, "Billy Taylor," a 64-oz. plastic commemorative NBA cup (1987 vintage) from Burger King, a receptacle widely considered to hold much more change than the 16-oz. paper cups favored by their fellow panhandlers. Giuseppe Bellini, owner/operator, Bellini Family Pizza and Subs, Pawtucket, RI: concurrently staffed restaurant with brother, "Gino"; wife, "Angie"; son, "Giuseppe, Jr.," aka "Joey"; three (3) daughters, "Maria," "Concetta," and "Teresa"; four (4) nephews, "Dominic," "Tony," "Paolo," and "Tony"; and son-in-law, "Tommy" -- all of whom are related to him. Next Week: something else, unrelated to this. *Certain names have quotation marks placed around them to make it look as if they've been changed.     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - This Week's School Lunches By Peter Bebergal Story That Uses an Item From the News as a Starting-Off Point By Ben Greenman The Women of the House Science Committee, as Classified by The Beach Boys By Carol Magary Honest-to-God Trivia Questions From "Tv Guide's TV Game," a Board Game Manufactured in 1984 By Michael Colton Breaker By Tommy Wallach

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL