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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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A month or so ago, or maybe two months ago, there was a contest held in Cambridge, Massachusetts, during a reading given by this site's editor. The contest asked the attendees to write down book proposals, right then and there, on any sort of paper they might find handy, and about any topic they wished. The winner, it was promised, would have their book published under the McSweeney's imprint, in a special, limited-run edition, as soon as the author could finish it. This contest was open only to attendees of this particular reading, because they were exceptionally warm, these attendees, and a whopping 70 percent of the attendees submitted proposals -- by far the most of any city. (Similar but different contests were held in other cities, and those will be addressed later.) Right now, we would like to announce the finalists and winner of this particular contest. When reading the proposals below, bear in mind that these were done under some duress, in a short period of time, by an audience of (almost entirely) college students. Comments by the McSweeney's Judging Committee follow each antry, in brackets. - - - - Third runner-up: AUTHOR: Jeffrey Czekaj TITLE/SUMMARY: Untitled PROPOSAL: In the future, everyone must wear T-shirts that clearly state when and how they will die. An unaddressed package containing a T-shirt with today's date arrives at a house where several people live. Maybe this is a play. [COMMENT: The Committee liked this proposal a great deal, and it was read at many other readings to great effect. However, we decided that the premise could perhaps not be sustained for long, and worse, when we thought of it as a play, we thought of such plays, when one good but small idea is stretched over two or three hours, a la, say, Eugene O'Neill, and then thought of The Iceman Cometh good lord, and remembered Tony Danza as the bartender, and then we could not go on. Thank you Mr. Czekaj for your proposal.] - - - - Second runner-up: AUTHOR: Kevin Doughton TITLE/SUMMARY: Miles McPherson Runs for His Life PROPOSAL: The story is about an old man named Miles McPhersons who enters a 5k run for people over the age of 85. Since Miles has just turned 85, he enters the race and wins handily. Of the 32 or so entrants of the race, 16 are unable to finish, six are unaware that they have been running a race, two have heart attacks and one stops midway through the race at a deli where he buys a winning scratch-off lottery ticket before dying of thrombosis. Miles wins the race and is encouraged by friends to enter a similar race in the next county in which all entrants must be older than 65. He wins this one as well, and begins to acquire a following of devoted young Slovakian shop-owners who mistakenly believe that Miles is a reincarnated Slovakian version of John Lennon. As Miles grapples with questions of his own mortality, his entourage enters him in a race of the same length -- 5k -- for people over the age of 45. Outclassed by men 40 years his junior, he finishes 61st in a field of 72 before dying of a heart attack shortly after crossing the finish line. His supporters gather around him in the moments before his death in order to hear him spontaneously compose an additional perfect verse to "A Day in the Life," only in perfect Slovakian. [COMMENT: We had no comment on this proposal.] - - - - Runner-up: AUTHOR: Ciestern Arling [handwriting is vague here] TITLE/SUMMARY: Untitled PROPOSAL: An exploration of the feelings of GOOD actors with BAD skin toward BAD actors with GOOD skin. [COMMENT: Again, a good premise, but perhaps a thin premise. We hope to hear more from Ms. Arling in the future.] - - - - Winner: AUTHOR: Joe Polevy TITLE/SUMMARY: A comprehensive study of the effects of radiator noise on children PROPOSAL: Delving into sleep deprivation and patterns, I would like the time and funding to research the effects of pings and clunks from heating systems throughout New England. I imagine interviews with children regarding their sleeping woes caused by their bedroom radiators. - - - - Mr. Polevy is hereby asked to write this book, about the effects of radiator noise on children. He will be given a research grant of $5,000. When his book is published, he will receive 100 percent of its profits. We are sure it will wow the nation. Congratulations, Mr. Polevy.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Short Stories Which Seem Like They Might Have a Moral, But Actually Do Not (First in a series) By David Pacheco Karl Marx and Laetitia Casta: A Comparative Timeline By Gustavo P. Secchi Josh has no idea how much some writers would pay for the advice he gets for free from John Hodgman, professional literary agent. But because Josh is his cousin, John provides his guidance happily, if thanklessly. By John Hodgman Election 2000, as seen from Chile By Marc Herman |
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