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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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T H E   L O V E   T H A T   S T O P P E D   T I M E A   P L A Y ,   C O N S I S T I N G   O F P U R E   C O N J E C T U R E , I N   O N E   A C T . BY TIM CARVELL - - - - THE SETTING: A boardwalk in a sleepy New Jersey beach community, sometime in the 1950s. Or possibly the 1940s. Or the 1960s. It's hard to tell. A station wagon pulls up to the beach. The FATHER steps out of the car. FATHER Everybody up! We're here! MOTHER (sleepily) Wha'? We're here already? JUNIOR Oh, boy, we're here! I'm gonna go build a sandcastle! (JUNIOR runs off toward the water.) MOTHER Junior! Wait for your mother! (MOTHER runs off to follow JUNIOR) FATHER opens the back door of the station wagon, leans in, and shakes a 17-year-old JANET RENO awake. FATHER Janet? Janet? Wake up: We're finally here. JANET RENO (sulkily) Daaaa-aaad! I was sleeping! And I don't want to go to the stupid old beach anyway. FATHER Oh, come now, Janet. I know you wanted to go to cheerleading camp. But this is our last chance to spend a summer together before you go off to school. Now come on, punkin, cheer up! JANET RENO gets out of the car, begins sulking toward the beach with her FATHER, when she hears a wolf-whistle behind her. She stands still, as her FATHER continues walking toward the water. JANET RENO (turning around) Hey! Who did that? A young, tanned BILL GATES appears, carrying a surfboard. BILL GATES Sorry, miss. I just had to get your attention. My name's Bill. What's yours? JANET RENO (blushing) It's Janet. Janet Reno. BILL GATES Janet Reno. That's a pretty name. Almost as pretty as your eyes. JANET RENO blushes. BILL GATES Can I buy you a malt? JANET RENO (calling toward the shore) Daddy? I'm going off with Bill for a malt, okay? CUE SOUNDTRACK: "The Look of Love," by Dusty Springfield MONTAGE: The two sharing a malt, laughing; they walk along the water as BILL GATES tosses stones into it; they ride a ferris wheel, sharing cotton candy; at a carnival booth, BILL GATES knocks over an array of milk bottles and wins an enormous stuffed animal, which he presents to JANET RENO; a seagull grabs JANET RENO's hat, and the two chase it until they collapse, laughing; the two kiss and roll around in the frothing surf. As the music fades out, we see BILL and JANET, walking along the boardwalk at night. JANET RENO Thank you, Bill. I had a beautiful day. BILL GATES You look beautiful in the moonlight, Janet. They kiss. But just as they do, we hear a crowd of men, yelling. They appear, all carrying surfboards. CROWD Hey, Bill! Who's your girlfriend? Aren't ya gonna introduce us? BILL GATES Um, Nathan! Paul! Hey, guys! JANET RENO Bill? Who are these people? NATHAN MYRHVOLD So, Bill, who's this? BILL GATES Um, she's just a girl I met. JANET RENO Just a girl you met? Why, of all the nerve! NATHAN MYRHVOLD C'mon, Bill. We're gonna go catch some waves. BILL GATES (to JANET RENO) Um, listen, Janet —I gotta go. See ya around sometime. BILL GATES leaves with the rest of his CROWD. JANET RENO stands alone on the boardwalk, clutching the oversized stuffed animal he won for her earlier in the day. JANET RENO I hate you, Bill Gates! I hate you with all my heart! Someday I'll hurt you the way you've hurt me! I'll pay you back for this if it's the last thing I ever do! THE END     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - Fragments From Elian! The Musical By Ben Greenman Blurbs By Ben Greenman The President and the Baby By James Bradley Interview With Earth Day on His Thirtieth Birthday By Zev Borow About another small book we will be publishing

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL