T H E   L O V E   T H A T   S T O P P E D   T I M E A   P L A Y ,   C O N S I S T I N G   O F P U R E   C O N J E C T U R E , I N   O N E   A C T . BY TIM CARVELL - - - - THE SETTING: A boardwalk in a sleepy New Jersey beach community, sometime in the 1950s. Or possibly the 1940s. Or the 1960s. It's hard to tell. A station wagon pulls up to the beach. The FATHER steps out of the car. FATHER Everybody up! We're here! MOTHER (sleepily) Wha'? We're here already? JUNIOR Oh, boy, we're here! I'm gonna go build a sandcastle! (JUNIOR runs off toward the water.) MOTHER Junior! Wait for your mother! (MOTHER runs off to follow JUNIOR) FATHER opens the back door of the station wagon, leans in, and shakes a 17-year-old JANET RENO awake. FATHER Janet? Janet? Wake up: We're finally here. JANET RENO (sulkily) Daaaa-aaad! I was sleeping! And I don't want to go to the stupid old beach anyway. FATHER Oh, come now, Janet. I know you wanted to go to cheerleading camp. But this is our last chance to spend a summer together before you go off to school. Now come on, punkin, cheer up! JANET RENO gets out of the car, begins sulking toward the beach with her FATHER, when she hears a wolf-whistle behind her. She stands still, as her FATHER continues walking toward the water. JANET RENO (turning around) Hey! Who did that? A young, tanned BILL GATES appears, carrying a surfboard. BILL GATES Sorry, miss. I just had to get your attention. My name's Bill. What's yours? JANET RENO (blushing) It's Janet. Janet Reno. BILL GATES Janet Reno. That's a pretty name. Almost as pretty as your eyes. JANET RENO blushes. BILL GATES Can I buy you a malt? JANET RENO (calling toward the shore) Daddy? I'm going off with Bill for a malt, okay? CUE SOUNDTRACK: "The Look of Love," by Dusty Springfield MONTAGE: The two sharing a malt, laughing; they walk along the water as BILL GATES tosses stones into it; they ride a ferris wheel, sharing cotton candy; at a carnival booth, BILL GATES knocks over an array of milk bottles and wins an enormous stuffed animal, which he presents to JANET RENO; a seagull grabs JANET RENO's hat, and the two chase it until they collapse, laughing; the two kiss and roll around in the frothing surf. As the music fades out, we see BILL and JANET, walking along the boardwalk at night. JANET RENO Thank you, Bill. I had a beautiful day. BILL GATES You look beautiful in the moonlight, Janet. They kiss. But just as they do, we hear a crowd of men, yelling. They appear, all carrying surfboards. CROWD Hey, Bill! Who's your girlfriend? Aren't ya gonna introduce us? BILL GATES Um, Nathan! Paul! Hey, guys! JANET RENO Bill? Who are these people? NATHAN MYRHVOLD So, Bill, who's this? BILL GATES Um, she's just a girl I met. JANET RENO Just a girl you met? Why, of all the nerve! NATHAN MYRHVOLD C'mon, Bill. We're gonna go catch some waves. BILL GATES (to JANET RENO) Um, listen, Janet —I gotta go. See ya around sometime. BILL GATES leaves with the rest of his CROWD. JANET RENO stands alone on the boardwalk, clutching the oversized stuffed animal he won for her earlier in the day. JANET RENO I hate you, Bill Gates! I hate you with all my heart! Someday I'll hurt you the way you've hurt me! I'll pay you back for this if it's the last thing I ever do! THE END     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - Fragments From Elian! The Musical By Ben Greenman Blurbs By Ben Greenman The President and the Baby By James Bradley Interview With Earth Day on His Thirtieth Birthday By Zev Borow About another small book we will be publishing

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL