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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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#1 I was at a concert recently, a concert of Renaissance viol music. At intermission a very small, elegantly dressed old lady was walking in the row behind me toward the aisle. As she passed behind me I heard a very wet farting sound. I turned to see if someone was making the noise with their mouth, and if so, why. Judging by the reaction of a couple of college kids, who were busting up with silent laughter behind the old lady's back, I deduced that she had made the sound. You had to be there though, because the funny thing was, not only did the violists play five (!) William Byrd pieces in a row, but they also played them about one and a half times faster than is customary, and their singer was not a soprano, but a mezzo. - - - - #2 I was in the passenger seat of my boyfriend's car and he was driving. He said, "I don't think we're going to make this light." So I said, "Awww," starting my voice up at a slightly higher than my normal medium pitch and bringing it down, the way you do to express disappointment. But then we just barely made the light, so right away I turned my voice around to utter an exultant "Yes!" The really hilarious part was when we got home and split about half a gallon of whisky then passed out on the living room floor with all the lights on. - - - - #3 I went into my supervisor's office to look at a file. I was about to turn around and return to my office when my supervisor said, "Rose, I'm glad I caught you, we put some prisoners in your office, so you'll have to wait here for a few minutes." I said, "Oh!," and we both stood there, chuckling. You had to be there. This was the third batch of prisoners in my office that day. - - - - #4 I was trotting up some stairs and I tripped and grazed my knuckles. I was not seriously hurt. I turned around to see if anyone had seen me fall, and this girl said, "Are you alright?" She may have been trying to suppress laughter, it was hard to tell. There's this abstract tile work, right where I fell, and if you squint at this one part, at an angle, it looks like a little dog. At least I always thought, and I guess this girl did too. - - - - #5 I went to use the bathroom across the hall from the office where I work. Outside the door I heard a loud whooshing sound. Inside the whooshing sound was even louder. The toilet was flushing endlessly. It looked like a whirlpool and it was spitting water all over the toilet seat and the floor. I decided to use the bathroom downstairs. My boss likes to tell a really good joke about an octopus, a mermaid, and a one-legged sea captain.
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