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Dave Eggers' The Wild Things is available for preorder, in regular hardcover and
limited-edition fur-covered.
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The Fox News Network has filed suit in New York state court to force James J. Cramer, co-founder of TheStreet.com and commentator on its Fox cable television program, to continue appearing on the program. — The New York Times, May 23, 2000 THE JAMES CRAMER HOSTAGE SITUATION, DAY 1: Hello, and welcome to TheStreet.com. I'm your new host, Neil Cavuto. Our first topic tonight is the question everyone's asking: Cisco. How low can it go? For an answer, we go to James Cramer of theStreet.com. James? (CUT TO: James Cramer, being wrestled into the studio by three burly guards.) No! No, I won't offer my patented brand of hyperactive market criticism! I will not share with you the unique insights I've gained as a high-flying money manager! A thousand times, no! (One of the guards hits Cramer with a belt, and he drops out of view. There is a long, uncomfortable moment where the only thing visible onscreen is an empty chair and the sound of offscreen scuffling. Then the camera cuts, mercifully, back to Cavuto.) In other news, the Nasdaq started briskly today... THE JAMES CRAMER HOSTAGE SITUATION, DAY 2: GE's numbers came in a tad higher than many analysts expected — or did they? To what extent is Wall Street ruled by the whisper number? For an answer, we turn to James Cramer of TheStreet.com (CUT TO: Cramer, with a conspicuous welt on his forehead.) Jesus! What happened to you? Um, nothing. I fell. Ah. So, the whisper numbers: Do they rule the Street, James? Sure. Yeah. Whatever. (A gloved hand enters the frame and smacks Cramer. Cramer intones flatly:) I mean, oh, they absolutely do. It's insane. Insane, I tell you. THE JAMES CRAMER HOSTAGE SITUATION, DAY 12: Biotech stocks swooned today in the face of renewed threats of governement interference. Should investors be worried? For an answer, let's go to James Cramer of theStreet.com. (CUT TO: A man with a burlap sack over his head. A hand reaches in from out of the frame and hastily removes the sack to reveal an unshaven and haggard Cramer, blinking in the harsh television lights.) Wha...? So, what do you make of today's news, James? What news? They've been keeping me locked in a -- (His microphone abruptly goes dead. Cramer, oblivious, continues talking, becoming increasingly agitated. He begins to gesticulate, pointing agitatedly at his forehead several times and making a gesture that looks uncannily like a man wielding a cattle prod. The camera CUTS abruptly back to Cavuto.) Thanks, James! Always good to have you on the show! THE JAMES CRAMER HOSTAGE SITUATION, DAY 47: As investors continue to flee high-tech stocks for the safety of blue chips, which are the ones you should be buying? For an answer, we go to James Cramer of theStreet.com, who's in the studio with us today. But first, Jim, I believe you had something you wanted to say. (speaking in an oddly modulated tone of voice) Thanks, Neil. I'll get to your question in a minute. But before we do that, I'd like to apologize to you — and to the good people of Fox — for my behavior lately. It was wrong for me to withhold my witticisms and penetrating insight from your audience. I now see that yours is the one true way. Please don't hurt me anymore for I love you. I am all love for you. Please don't get the stick. We love you too, James. (Pause.) Now dance, monkey, dance! What? You heard me. (CRAMER stands and shuffles his feet slowly.) Faster! (CRAMER dances faster.) Faster! Faster! Dance like you mean it! (CRAMER dances as fast as he can. CAVUTO begins to clap his hands to provide a beat. The cameramen and other off-camera personnel join in. Tears stream down CRAMER's face as he dances. It is unbearably poignant.) (This piece does not have a proper ending.)
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Five Moments You Had to Be There By Rose Gowen Preview of Summer Camps: Camp Previews One and Two (in a series of ten) By Jeff Johnson A Review of Cirque Du Soleil's "O" at the Bellagio Hotel Las Vegas Elicited Through Regression Therapy Hypnosis By Kevin Guilfoile Oh, Sweet Toronto! By Neal Pollack |
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