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Dear Mr. Colorful Radio Personality, I am a professional older woman. I am dating a poetic younger man. He says he loves me. But will not marry me. He will not even move in. He says he cannot see us together in ten years. Also he says he cannot feel passion. And yet we laugh. What should I do? Dear Professional Older Woman, I would drive away in my car, but I grew up in the Midwest. Your young man is a poet. They are strange. They are metaphorical. They look at stones and dead grandmothers. You just want a new toothbrush and some jockey shorts. So you should continue the romance, but do not like it as much. - - - - Dear Mr. Colorful Radio Personality, I am married to a lovely man who treats me like a princess. Everything is groovy. But he has an evil family. They are from the South. They do not treat me like a princess. When we visit on them on holidays and random weekends, racist comments and many other unpleasant and politically incorrect things escape from their mouths. Sometimes they are kind and affectionate but they are idiots. They do not read and that is why. My husband says, "Be tolerant." I am afraid the next time we see them I will kill them all with an ax. Also, I am pregnant, and their genes are in my child. What should I do? Dear Pregnant Princess, Do not be silly. There is nothing you can do now. You are already pregnant. Keep quiet. Study them carefully. You must not disagree with them. Go into the kitchen and sing. I know this is the right thing to do because I grew up in the Midwest and that is almost like the South. - - - - Dear Mr. Colorful Radio Personality, I do not know what has happened. I cannot stand to look at the man who has fathered my three beautiful children. We have had many troubles, including chronic illness, back surgery, bankruptcy, also complacency. We do not communicate. I try not to look at the man who fathered my three beautiful children because I cannot stand it. I sneak away, I try to hide. But he wants to talk about the children and their schedules. I cannot stand to look at him. He wants to pay the bills. I cannot stand to look at the man who fathered my three children even though he is a wonderful person. I cannot stand it. What should I do? Dear I Cannot Stand to Look At Him, Those troubles are sterling. That is something we say in the Midwest. As you may know, I am from the Midwest. You have endured many bad troubles, except for complacency and lack of communication. Everyone has those. You must have very strong feelings. You must be very angry at the man who fathered your three beautiful children. To save yourself, you must go to a therapist. Perhaps the therapist will give you some medication. Take Kleenex with you. Therapists will not give you medication unless you get very upset. I think you need some medication. - - - - Dear Mr. Colorful Radio Personality, My wife and I have a contentious relationship. She makes fun of me in front of her family and friends. They do not say anything. My wife has a lot of fun. She is a loud bitch. That is abuse. I do not talk to her for days and then when I do she says, "What is your problem?" She is a good woman. She is a good mother. What should I do? Dear Angry, The surest strategy is to cripple your wife with kindness. It will feel good. Do not be angry. Do not be stupid like your wife. Just smile. Smile and act nice. That is what people do where I come from, in the Midwest. - - - - Dear Mr. Colorful Radio Personality, I met a stunning young professional woman at a conference. I was stunned by her. She is really quite stunning. We write passionate e-mails to one another about glue. We have concluded that it is impossible but I cannot wait until she comes to town. What should I do? Dear Unclean, You are stupid. Men who are embarking on passionate adulterous affairs should not write to Mr. Colorful Radio Personality and ask him what to do. You know what you should do. I presume that since you were very small, maybe only two feet tall, you have known that it is wrong to sleep with another man's wife and that if you do you will burn in hell. In the Midwest, this is something we learn before we are two feet tall. But I think it is okay to embark on the passionate adulterous love affair if you pretend to be more stupid than a very short child. Pretend to be that stupid. I think you will be able to. I have pretended to be that stupid before. You are not pretending you are stupid enough when you write letters. Stupid people do not write letters. - - - - Dear Mr. Colorful Radio Personality, I think I do not love my wife anymore. What should I do? Also, I am working on a novel, and I think it is her fault that it is not finished. Dear Writer of an Unfinished Novel, You are foolish. People in the Midwest are not so foolish. It is not your sweet wife's fault that your novel is not finished. Do not be foolish. Quit your job and finish it. Good luck. - - - - Dear Mr. Colorful Radio Personality, I am working on a novel. It is not finished yet. Also, I think I do not love my wife anymore. What should I do? Dear Writer of an Unfinished Novel II, People in the Midwest are more down to earth. People in the Midwest have jobs. Some of them drive trucks. Some of them work as waitresses in places where other people who drive trucks stop their trucks and eat. You should get a job. You should write during your coffee breaks. If that does not work, it is probably your wife's fault. In that case, you should get a divorce. It will be okay because sometimes people do that in the Midwest.
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