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T H I S   E V E N I N G   A T   T H E
B R O O K I N G S   I N S T I T U T I O N :
A N   U N O C C U P I E D
M I C R O P H O N E .


BY PETER O'TOOLE

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Thanks. Thanks very much. I haven't had a reception like that since I published "Arms and Liberty" on the Heritage Foundation imprint. (Pause, wait for boos)

This place is legendary. When it comes to bringing you laughs, I swear: I will brookings no quarter.

But anyway, another great place, just up Massachusetts Avenue is the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace (pause, wait for applause). I gave a speech there about two weeks ago, on Russian nonproliferation programs.

Anyway, I got lost on the way there, so I flagged down a taxi driver, and I asked him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me how to get to the Carnegie Endowment?" And he looked at me knowingly, and said, "Research, research, research."

I know from research, though. Back at Cal Tech, I once copied a classmate's paper on Rembrandt. But I felt an incredible sense of guilt as I did so, so I only copied every other word. When I got it back, I saw that I got an A. (long pause) For a paper on Seurat.

Who here gets 'Foreign Affairs'? (wait for applause) Well, I sure don't. (pause) But I subscribe to the magazine.

It's great to hear that the World Wildlife Fund is doing so well with its public relations lately. Just the other day, I overheard my kids talking about the cage exhibition the WWF had scheduled for August 13th at the MCI Center. Wow -- I guess my $20 donation really did help.

But I'm wondering what kinds of animals are going to be in that cage. (pause) I mean, when I got my PhD at MIT, I skipped a few classes to attend lectures at Harvard, but I swear I never, ever heard of a 'Goldberg.'

Who saw today's 'Financial Times'? (pause, wait for applause) Did you read about how British biotech had to cut 90 positions? (pause, wait for applause, booing from labor Fellows) I guess they were doing pretty well, but then they hit a roadblock when they found out you can't clone grant monies.

I wish I could clone my new Apple G4. (applause, may be thunderous) I keep mine up at my office at the Council on Foreign Relations in New York. Who's a member? (applause) Wow. I think they need to start requesting that new members be formally proposed in writing by one member and seconded by a minimum of three other individuals -- not two -- at least one of whom is a Council member. I mean, come on! That place is starting to look like my Mensa meetings.

Did you hear about Thomas Pynchon? (long pause) Neither have I. (long pause) And neither has anybody else.

One thing I have heard about is wind power. This is an amazing energy resource, and we're now just learning how to tap into its promise. (pause) Now, if they can set up the windmills on the floor of the Senate, then we'll really be in business.

Thank you. You've been great. Now, let's get to your questions.

 

 

OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
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