GEORGE: Hello. BRITNEY: Hi. GEORGE: My name's George. BRITNEY: I'm Britney. GEORGE: That's a nice name. BRITNEY: Why are you wearing a wig? GEORGE: You don't think it makes me look cool? BRITNEY: No. You just look like a creepy old man. GEORGE: I'll take it off. BRITNEY: Now you just look like an old man with a sweaty forehead and false teeth. GEORGE: You're very impertinent. If this were a softcore teen sex fantasy, I'd turn you over my knee and spank you right now. (Here the writer realizes that a softcore teen sex fantasy is much more salable than a tepid dialogue between two disparate notable personages.) GEORGE: On second thought, I think I'll go ahead with that spanking after all. BRITNEY: I've been very naughty. GEORGE: Yes. Very naughty. (Let your imagination run wild here.) GEORGE: Now I feel ashamed. (Insert joke about "chopping the cherry tree" being a euphemism for something else here.) BRITNEY: I too feel ashamed. I believe I will go take a shower until I feel clean again. A hot... soapy... shower. GEORGE: That ought to be interesting. (And so on. Eventually America defeats the British.)
SEEMINGLY UNRELIABLE NARRATOR: Is it true that Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down? WEEBLES REPRESENTATIVE: Yes. SUN: Does that mean they simply choose not to fall down, or that it is impossible for them to fall down? WR: It is impossible for Weebles to fall down. And since Weebles are not living things, it is also impossible for them to choose to do anything. SUN: Weebles aren't alive? But what about those creepy eyes? WR: While Weeble artisans make a concerted effort to create a lifelike appearance on each and every Weeble, I can assure you that your Weebles are not alive. SUN: But— WR: Seriously, they're not alive. Get a grip. SUN: Okay, can we back up a little bit? Because I'm getting confused. Weebles fall down, but they don't wobble? Is that it? WR: No, no, no. This is not difficult. They wobble, and do not fall down. How many times do I have to say it? SUN: Well, wait a minute now. I stuck a Weeble into some Silly Putty, and now it's lying down. What do you have to say to that? WR: Just because a Weeble is lying down does not mean that it fell down. Lying down is something one does on purpose, while falling down is accidental. SUN: But how can Weebles do anything on purpose if they're not alive? WR: Hey. That was just a figure of speech. SUN: Okay, I'm dropping a Weeble off the edge of the Grand Canyon. I think now you have to admit that it's falling, don't you? WR: Ah, well, now you're just taking advantage of the broader range of connotations of "fall" vis-à-vis the comparatively narrow definition of "fall down". Perhaps this is a slightly abstruse semantic point, but while one can not fall down without falling, it is possible to fall without falling down, if you catch my drift. SUN: Well, being seemingly unreliable, I don't quite follow you there, but let's move on anyway. What is inside a Weeble? WR: Just plastic. Oh, and a single pellet of a mysterious superheavy compound from a faraway planet that fell to earth in a giant meteorite, of course. SUN: While I've got you here, you don't know what happened to my cat, do you? It was in the bedroom the last time I looked. WR: Well, the Weebles didn't eat it, that's for sure! Because they're not alive. Ha ha. Really. Not... alive. Can't stress that enough. I have to go now.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Periodic Table of the Elementary School By Alysia Gray Painter John Hodgman, Professional Literary Agent, Has Not Forsaken His Young Cousin, the Aspiring Writer Known Only as "Josh," but Read Below for Important News of His Professional Status, and Learn With Him the Painful Lesson of The Lycanthrope's Niece. By John Hodgman I Write Short Books About the Popular Bands of the Day. Here Is My Story. By Catherine Zymet Things I Did in Denver, Part Two By Neal Pollack Things I Did in Denver By Neal Pollack |
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