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In eight illustrated books, elegantly held together in a single beribboned case, McSweeney's Issue 28 explores the state of the fable. For the next two days, it's $5 off.

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T E S T   Y O U R
L O G I C   B R A I N .


BY AMIE BARRODALE

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PART I: Draw a conclusion from the following pairs of facts.

1a) Michael Osborne lives behind his grandmother's house, in Kentucky.
1b) Michael likes raccoons, mayhem, and science.

2a) Grace Poole is allergic to the fragrance of soap.
2b) Her son, Josh, has chosen clear braces for cosmetic reasons.

3a) For his 86th birthday, Snow Fisher would like snakeskin cowboy boots and a signet ring.
3b) Snow's appetite for fried chicken is unparalleled.

4a) Dan Schiller sometimes imagines his ulcer is a tiny brown elf with razor-sharp claws.
4b) His son Jesse is the fattest, slowest swimmer on the J.V. swim team.

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PART II:

1. camel : rat :: rattlesnake :
a) lieutenant colonel
b) lieutenant commander
c) lieutenant junior grade
d) lieutenant commander, ret.

2. technology : rat :: soul :
a) cuttlefish
b) cuttlefish
c) the whip scorpion
d) cuttle fish

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PART III: True or False

__  King Ahasuerus gave to Queen Esther of the House of Haman, enemy of the Jews, a pretty brown pencil.

__  Mordecai came before the King, bearing falcons and tablets.

__  The tablets were made of stone.

__  The tablets were made of sugar.

__  The tablets were arsenic, and smelled of almonds.

__  The Princess Gershwin ate the tablets and shot the falcon.

__  King Ahasuerus gave Mordecai a silken pouch of rubies and pearls.

__  King Ahasuerus said to Mordecai "Woe to the holder of these rubies and pearls, as he will die."

__  King Ahasuerus said to Mordecai "Take these pearls as a token of my gratitude."

__  King Ahasuerus said "Take this small golden statuete in the shape of my clavicle."

__  Mordecai refused the death pearls.

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PART IV: Reading Comprehension

I was perambluating the sandy city, hawking used books and paper shapes. The sandy city: a strip of cubicles, inhabitants, a river of sand. I ate my breakfasts with relish. Whatever they gave I ate, with the relish, brought from the firey city, and for the strict purpose of breakfast. That is stupid. Following breakfast: the sale. You madame, you look as though you might—hogwash. I keep a rock collection of pirate-shaped stones on my person. My price on the stones is reasonable, perforce. A car key, bit of broken crockery, an unbosoming in strictest confidence. My pamphlets are mostly about kings and queens, fleshy eyeballs, and my fabulous fabulous brain adventures. They are also about poison gumweed, and short snakes which are all black, and lift their black heads from the sand river to show their fangs, and hiss, like cartoons. The city people: fleshy invertebrates—healthy cheeks and easy ventricles. And also babies. A nickel for every baby.

 

 

OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
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Forsaken, the Crew Awaited News from the People Below By J.M. Martinez
Reviews of Friends' Stories and Anecdotes, Part III By Christina Nunez
Imaginary Dialogues By Francis Heaney
Periodic Table of the Elementary School By Alysia Gray Painter
John Hodgman, Professional Literary Agent, Has Not Forsaken His Young Cousin, the Aspiring Writer Known Only as "Josh," but Read Below for Important News of His Professional Status, and Learn With Him the Painful Lesson of The Lycanthrope's Niece. By John Hodgman

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