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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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T E S T   Y O U R L O G I C   B R A I N . BY AMIE BARRODALE - - - - PART I: Draw a conclusion from the following pairs of facts. 1a) Michael Osborne lives behind his grandmother's house, in Kentucky. 1b) Michael likes raccoons, mayhem, and science. 2a) Grace Poole is allergic to the fragrance of soap. 2b) Her son, Josh, has chosen clear braces for cosmetic reasons. 3a) For his 86th birthday, Snow Fisher would like snakeskin cowboy boots and a signet ring. 3b) Snow's appetite for fried chicken is unparalleled. 4a) Dan Schiller sometimes imagines his ulcer is a tiny brown elf with razor-sharp claws. 4b) His son Jesse is the fattest, slowest swimmer on the J.V. swim team. - - - - PART II: 1. camel : rat :: rattlesnake : a) lieutenant colonel b) lieutenant commander c) lieutenant junior grade d) lieutenant commander, ret. 2. technology : rat :: soul : a) cuttlefish b) cuttlefish c) the whip scorpion d) cuttle fish - - - - PART III: True or False __   King Ahasuerus gave to Queen Esther of the House of Haman, enemy of the Jews, a pretty brown pencil. __   Mordecai came before the King, bearing falcons and tablets. __   The tablets were made of stone. __   The tablets were made of sugar. __   The tablets were arsenic, and smelled of almonds. __   The Princess Gershwin ate the tablets and shot the falcon. __   King Ahasuerus gave Mordecai a silken pouch of rubies and pearls. __   King Ahasuerus said to Mordecai "Woe to the holder of these rubies and pearls, as he will die." __   King Ahasuerus said to Mordecai "Take these pearls as a token of my gratitude." __   King Ahasuerus said "Take this small golden statuete in the shape of my clavicle." __   Mordecai refused the death pearls. - - - - PART IV: Reading Comprehension I was perambluating the sandy city, hawking used books and paper shapes. The sandy city: a strip of cubicles, inhabitants, a river of sand. I ate my breakfasts with relish. Whatever they gave I ate, with the relish, brought from the firey city, and for the strict purpose of breakfast. That is stupid. Following breakfast: the sale. You madame, you look as though you might—hogwash. I keep a rock collection of pirate-shaped stones on my person. My price on the stones is reasonable, perforce. A car key, bit of broken crockery, an unbosoming in strictest confidence. My pamphlets are mostly about kings and queens, fleshy eyeballs, and my fabulous fabulous brain adventures. They are also about poison gumweed, and short snakes which are all black, and lift their black heads from the sand river to show their fangs, and hiss, like cartoons. The city people: fleshy invertebrates—healthy cheeks and easy ventricles. And also babies. A nickel for every baby.     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - Forsaken, the Crew Awaited News from the People Below By J.M. Martinez Reviews of Friends' Stories and Anecdotes, Part III By Christina Nunez Imaginary Dialogues By Francis Heaney Periodic Table of the Elementary School By Alysia Gray Painter John Hodgman, Professional Literary Agent, Has Not Forsaken His Young Cousin, the Aspiring Writer Known Only as "Josh," but Read Below for Important News of His Professional Status, and Learn With Him the Painful Lesson of The Lycanthrope's Niece. By John Hodgman

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL