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N E W   R I D D L E S   F O R
F I V E - O U N C E   D I X I E   C U P S .


BY DAN KENNEDY

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Clue: Though I lure salmon from the sea, I also tempt you from your clothes when you consider me.

Answer: I am the biological drive to reproduce before dying.

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Clue: I am unfamiliar, yet somehow the same. I make you see spots and feel pressure or pain.

Answer: I am a stranger's hands pressed firmly into your eyes in a moment of struggle.

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Clue: I have held you through the night, hold me now and I will bite.

Answer: I am your ex-girlfriend named Kristin.

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Clue: I seem to answer and cure all of your problems, while at the same time bringing you new ones.

Answer: I am a steady job combined with the use and abuse of alcohol.

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Clue: I am the last thing added to the house when it is made, and the first thing you need to get out of the rain.

Answer: I am the fifteen thousand dollars worth of unanticipated landscaping that will prevent you from affording a vacation this winter.

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Clue: I beg you to embrace me when you are swimming near, but I sting you nearly to death if you dare.

Answer: I am despair.

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Clue: Though I may be a bright silver, I am often a force of darkness.

Answer: I am a 9mm pistol carried by an angry member of a popular gang.

 

 

OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
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Take the Pepsi Challenge By Whitney Pastorek
Two Things About Yo Mama By Katie Pearce and Andrew Smales
Sharon Fleder, Animal Publicist By Tim Carvell
Your Neighborhood Laundraclean By Alysia Gray Painter
A Letter From Ezra Pound to Billy Wilder, 1963 By Greg Purcell

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Memories of Amanda Davis

 


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SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT?

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PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON

STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE

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KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE

SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY

LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES

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ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY

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JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES

B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE

INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS

OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND

DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN

MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY

DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO
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