F R A N C I S   H E A N E Y ' S L I P O G R A M M A T I C C O N S U M E R   G U I D E . BY FRANCIS HEANEY - - - - A REVIEW OF BECK'S "MIDNITE VULTURES," USING ONLY THE LETTERS IN "BECK: MIDNITE VULTURES." It's... indiscreet. It's like, "dick, dick, dick; smut, smut, smut; vice, vice, vice; slut, slut, slut." Seductive Beck is Mister Luv. Is Beck music's kinkiest librettist ever? Beck, it seems, desires submissive bimbette mistresses under seventeen, dressed in slit miniskirts, derriere unveiled. But I'd surmise nine men in ten lust like Beck lusts; it isn't eccentric. Is "Midnite Vultures" sick? It'd incite tics in numbskull Bible Belt residents, sure, but it isn't sick, it's slick. Slick like crème brûlée, dude, believe me. "Midnite Vultures'" eclectic music revels in its ebullient leisure-suit-'n'-sideburns seventies vibe. Never mind its tunes' intermittent mindlessness. I like it. - - - - A REVIEW OF THE CURE'S "BLOODFLOWERS," USING ONLY THE LETTERS IN "THE CURE: BLOODFLOWERS." Oh, Lord. "Bloodflowers," where the out-of-touch Cure tell us, "Toodle-oo, fellow brotherhood of scowlers, we're bored." Well, we're bored too. Cheerless, self-obsessed Robert S. broods for the whole dull CD. Heretofore, Cure records were sorrowful, sure, but so short of soul? The wretched "Bloodflowers" follows Robert S.'s Rules of Order to the letter: Be blue, show oodles of woe, use two or three chords, flow too slow, blow out the subwoofers. The Cure's obsolete subculture'll doubtless feel the CD's cool, but the rest of the world should flee. Flee! Flee the terror of "Bloodflowers"! The CD's worth lots of four-letter words, but we'll be less rude; so, to close: Show "Bloodflowers" the cold shoulder. Blecch. - - - - A REVIEW OF XTC'S "WASP STAR," USING ONLY THE LETTERS IN "XTC: WASP STAR." XTC's art: strata apart. "Wasp Star's" wax trax attract rapt cats: A+ - - - - A REVIEW OF BELLE & SEBASTIAN'S "FOLD YOUR HANDS, CHILD, YOU WALK LIKE A PEASANT," USING ONLY THE LETTERS IN "BELLE & SEBASTIAN: FOLD YOUR HANDS, CHILD, YOU WALK LIKE A PEASANT." It's nice.     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - Philadelphia: Into the Maw By Neal Pollack New Riddles for Five-Ounce Dixie Cups By Dan Kennedy Take the Pepsi Challenge By Whitney Pastorek Two Things About Yo Mama By Katie Pearce and Andrew Smales Sharon Fleder, Animal Publicist By Tim Carvell

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL