Through this Friday, all available back issues of Wholphin are half off—10 bucks apiece for countless warm evenings of rare films, featuring Miranda July, Paul Rudd, Donald Trump, and a monkey-faced eel. - - - - |
[Note: Cathy Zymet, née Alter, has been a professional writer for many years. She has contributed to a number of periodicals, including many alternative weeklies, and Might, a defunct magazine skewed toward the institutionalized. She now lives in Washington, D.C., and among other projects, writes, for a largely juvenile audience, biographies of popular bands and singing groups. These books are available at Wal-Mart and Walgreens. This is the fourth in a series of indeterminate duration, in which Zymet will be chronicling her experiences. Her story is very real.] Episode One
- - - - EPISODE FOUR: THE RULES Before I can compose the first words about LeAnn Rimes' striking loss on Star Search or Kevin "Train" Richardson's stint as a Disney World Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, Chelsea House asks that I follow their list of Guidelines for Writers. Some of their dictates like "number text pages continuously throughout the manuscript (not by chapter)" are standard fare. Others are more specific to the youth-market genre:
Implicit in the directives is what I call the Teen Beat Rule of Disclosure. Specifically, the puppy-love hearts of readers are too fragile and expectant and taboo subjects, like silicon bust-ins or Betty Ford bust-outs, have to be handled with cheerful obfuscation. In my previous works, I didn't dare mention that LeAnn Rimes was a virgin (at publication), or that the Backstreet Boys smoke cigarettes and make fun of their handicapped fans. Which they do, by the way. Not surprisingly, Chelsea House's Guidelines for Writers are even more shilly-shally when it comes to outing celebrities. This pickle first arose when I was offered the Jonathan Taylor Thomas biography. At the time, there was an Internet-bred rumor circulating that Taylor Thomas, resident junior heartthrob on Home Improvement, wanted to leave the show because Tim Allen wouldn't let his character Randy out of the proverbial closet. (Insert a snickering Tool Time joke here.) When I asked my editor if I would be allowed to entertain the scuttlebutt, he suggested I mention it only in passing and then quickly move on to the adorably coifed Taylor Thomas's performance as the voice of Young Simba. I got through the Taylor Thomas quandary by choosing to write about LeAnn Rimes instead. But there was no escaping Ricky Martin's "orientation situation." Here is what I wrote.
Upon reading this, my friend Alan, an edgy and so far unpaid humor writer, remarked, "I haven't seen tap-dancing like this since Fred Astaire hoofed it up in "Holiday Inn." In my business, pal, the rules are understood. I have to be nice. I have to create heroes.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
A Brief Autobiography of Camille Paglia, as Told through Introductory Appositive Phrases In Her Online Column By Lisa Whipple Philadelphia: Into the Maw By Neal Pollack Decoding the Official Soundtrack of the Democratic National Convention By Brad Kloza Understanding the Official Soundtrack of the Republican National Convention By Brad Kloza Vanilla, A Novelette By Matt Fagan |
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