B A C K - T O - S C H O O L   W E E K : H A Z I N G   R I T U A L S   T O   B E I N F L I C T E D   B Y   M E , A S S U M I N G   T H A T   I   N O W A T T E N D   A   B R I T I S H B O A R D I N G   S C H O O L . BY MIKE SACKS - - - - I insist! "Mister" is too formal. Preference: "Baal: the God of Hellfire." Yearn to live the good life, all proper and tame, now walk on your heels when you address me, boys, this is no game. Showering not allowed; instead, a leisurely bath of lukewarm ass's milk. Hand-wash my solid-oak armoire. With your tongue. Love Steal those chicken eggs we talked about. Hatch beneath headmaster's pillow... raise as pets, friends. Do not ask. Rather, scat. Memorize daily wise facts. Today's: Filling body-cavities with sour cream is somewhat rash, yet also deliciously cheeky. Another wise fact: Oh, it is true, I am a wonderful man, bound to eventually discover the Theory of All. Tentative Theory of All: A heaping bowl of bubble and squeak, with a splash of mustard. Thank you, this is so yummy. Quickly: Pull your right leg across your body and pretend to pick an air-guitar to "Baby I'm A-Want You." You've forgotten that tasty guitar-lick. Slo jam it again. Now caress the birthmark on my arm shaped like a potato. You bounder! You're incorrigible! When nobody's looking, pretend that you're a badass cowboy. Cringe proper. Shyly dance the hornpipe. Avoid my cross-eyed gaze until you are physically unable. Must I repeat? I apologize, for my throat is sore. Avoid my cross-eyed gaze until you are physically unable. What's that? Not in the mood? Very well then... bend over and grab your ankles: Mandatory branding of two monkeys playing hopscotch. This is important: With your body heat, toast my crumpets just so. And then for old time's sake: Rationalize my future career stagnation (gently). Meanwhile: Those chickens are now my friends and yours, too. Make your way out into the world, but please do so at your own leisure. Truth be told, your ferocious strength frightens me, as does your never-ending capacity for incredible violence against those who urinate in fear. Love harder     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - Back-to-School Week: The Goddamned Trial By Ben Greenman Back-To-School Week: Errata By Andrew Grossman Back-To-School Week: Flight School, Day Two By Amie Barrodale Humor in Uniform By Tom Nissley Forward-Looking Statement By Stuart Wade

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL