B R I T I S H R A D I O S O A P O P E R A
H E A R D V I A W E A K
S H O R T W A V E S I G N A L , W I T H
S T A T I C A N D D I S T O R T I O N
R E N D E R E D A S C H A R A C T E R S
I N S O A P O P E R A .
BY COLIN MORT
- - - -
MAGGIE
I know we have to invite your sister to the wedding, but does
she have to bring Jack?
PETER
Jack's OK, if he would simply refrain from drinking.
WOLF-BOY
Ooowwwllll. Yap Yap Yap.
MAGGIE
He's just tiresome—his whole act, talking about his grandiose
business plans. He'll probably start hitting up papa for financial
backing. It's all just so... tiresome.
PETER
Well, you were the one who wanted this whole church wedding and
reception. I said, "Let's go before the magistrate," but then your
mother got involved, and now you don't want to invite my brother-in-law.
SCULLERY MAID
[banging pots]
Crang blang shuresha plamb.
MAGGIE
Well if we're going to bring mothers into this, let's talk about
my future mother-in-law... always frowning at the colors, turning her
nose up at the pattern I selected [sniffles].
PETER
Darling...
CANNONBALL SID
[launching]
Bugurrrrrshhhh! Yeaooooh.
WOLF-BOY
Yap. Yap. Yaapp. Grrrr.
MAGGIE
[suddenly animated]
You've been "darling"-ing me through this
whole thing, but I tell you I can't take much more from her. Did I tell
you what she did the other day—
GOOSE GIRL CHOIR
[interupting, hoofing, singing]
Qurak qurak qurak! Loddydodydody—
MAGGIE
[exasperated, continuing]
I was sitting in the study doing my needlepoint and she comes in
and looks over my shoulder for a minute or
two, then she has the nerve to say: "You dropped a stitch." I mean
really.
PETER
Darling, listen... when this thing is over and we have survived
it, all that will matter is that we shall be together.
CANNONBALL SID
[landing]
Oooff...
[Hard shoes on wood signify the entrance of a matron.]
PETER
Mama! I didn't know you were coming down today.
MAGGIE
[despondent]
Oh, hullo. We were just talking about you.
MRS FELDSPAR
Well, the rail service was simply deplorable. I was
seated in a cabin with a horrible American. Darling, that frock is most
unflattering, no doubt your mother picked it out....
WOLF-BOY
Yap oooowllll. Urrrrrrrr.
SCULLERY MAID
[throwing out the water]
Slurssssshhhhuuuurg.
MAGGIE
Well, I never. Peter, I will see you at dinner. Mrs. Feldspar,
good afternoon.
MRS FELDSPAR
Isn't your fair bride staying for tea?
CANNONBALL SID
[dusting himself off]
Ulrp ulrp ulrp.
PETER
Mother, I must ask you to go a bit easier on Maggie. The old
girl's had just about enough.
MRS. FELDSPAR
Whatever do you mean?
MRS. PLUM
[suddenly entering]
M'lord, Mum, tea is served in the garden.
XARATREES, HIDEOUS ALIEN FROM ANOTHER GALAXY
[suddenly entering]
Letigic capswan urt treweller. Intic vedralaz bigestruti!
GOOSE GIRL CHORUS
[suddenly singing]
Toddydoody quirl quirl quirlinging!
SCULLERY MAID
[suddenly exiting, with pots]
Bubangilanganginginkilinit.
WOLF-BOY
[suddenly exiting]
Yap Yap Yap. Yumm...
CANNONBALL SID
[suddenly relaunching]
Burrruuushhh. Yeoow!
XARATREES, HIDEOUS ALIEN FROM ANOTHER GALAXY
[suddenly despondent]
Wirintric melsh cumellongo [sniffles].
[Here the transmission became incomprehensible.]
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
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Static Personal Growth in 23 Days By Mark Schatzker
Lake Minnesota Days By Neal Pollack
The Great Sag By Paul Maliszewski
Some Little Fables To Help You in Your Life By Francis Heaney
A Report to the Commerical Club of Greater Chicago By Neal Pollack
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