M E D I C A L M Y S T E R I E S
S O L V E D .
BY CAROL MAGARY CARPENTER
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Dr. N
"A patient came to me who weighed over 550 pounds,
most of which he had gained in the last year, although
he said he had not changed the foods he ate at each
meal. Tests, such as for thyroid, all came back
negative. I was at a loss to help this very fat man.
Then I realized I had never asked him about in-between
meals. It turns out that every day at 3 pm, he would
eat an entire barbecued goat in Mamma Jamma sauce and
a scoop of Crisco on an ice cream cone. He has now
eliminated this snack and is down to a svelte 378."
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Dr. O
"A few years ago, I saw a man whose main complaint was
that his forehead had an odd pattern of small
indentations. They were not painful, but he thought a
pitted brow might make him less attractive. He was
one of those debonair playboy types who used his
handsome looks for success with the ladies. There
seemed to be no cause for his malady. Quite by
coincidence, my wife ended up leaving me for him, and
explained that the indentations were caused by the
headboard on his bed."
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Dr. P
"In 1982, a patient came to see me who had unusually
sallow skin and blisters on his hands. He sweated
profusely and complained of annoying high-pitched
sounds in his ear. I spent weeks combing through the
medical literature for an explanation. Finally, I
devised a simple one-question test that yielded
results: 'Are you a drummer for Toto?' The patient
answered in the affirmative, and I urged him to
terminate his employment. The case was so obvious, I
kicked myself for not making the correct diagnosis
sooner. Had I done that, he would have been spared
several weeks of agony."
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Dr. Q
"I once treated a lovely young lady who exhibited
muscle stiffness in her legs. When I examined her, I
noticed she had a mild sticky residue on her chin.
She said she was forced to attend parties for her job,
and was so shy she would lock herself in the bathroom,
wedge herself between the toilet and the wall, wrap
duct tape around her head, and wait for
unconsciousness. I concluded that the stiffness in
her legs came from the brisk walk to the five-and-ten
for the duct tape, as it was several blocks from her
apartment. She now orders the duct tape over the
Internet."
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Dr. R
"The parents of a teenage boy were concerned about his
chronic allergies. Tommy's eyes were always red and
puffy. So I ran tests exposing him to over 100 plant
varieties, I monitored food reactions, I ran chemical
patch tests, and at one point I even visited their
house to check for mold and dust mites. I got a bit
obsessed with the case, actually. For three years I
tried to find the cause of Tommy's symptoms. Then he
graduated high school and moved away. I closed the
file. Last week I got a call from Tommy that finally
cleared things up. He used to come home from school
and cry every night because he thought he was gay.
Now he is married with two children, and says he
hardly ever cries over that anymore."
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
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New Issue Is Out; It Is Our Fifth And We Like It
The Birdwatcherist By Peter Bebergal
A Clarification By Vali Chandrasekaran
Some of the Things They Died of in Nineteenth-Century Santa Barbara, California By Rose Gowen
A Spoken-Word Poem for America By Neal Pollack
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