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Through this Friday, all available back issues of Wholphin are half off—10 bucks apiece for countless warm evenings of rare films, featuring Miranda July, Paul Rudd, Donald Trump, and a monkey-faced eel.

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M E D I C A L   M Y S T E R I E S
S O L V E D .


BY CAROL MAGARY CARPENTER

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Dr. N
"A patient came to me who weighed over 550 pounds, most of which he had gained in the last year, although he said he had not changed the foods he ate at each meal. Tests, such as for thyroid, all came back negative. I was at a loss to help this very fat man. Then I realized I had never asked him about in-between meals. It turns out that every day at 3 pm, he would eat an entire barbecued goat in Mamma Jamma sauce and a scoop of Crisco on an ice cream cone. He has now eliminated this snack and is down to a svelte 378."

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Dr. O
"A few years ago, I saw a man whose main complaint was that his forehead had an odd pattern of small indentations. They were not painful, but he thought a pitted brow might make him less attractive. He was one of those debonair playboy types who used his handsome looks for success with the ladies. There seemed to be no cause for his malady. Quite by coincidence, my wife ended up leaving me for him, and explained that the indentations were caused by the headboard on his bed."

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Dr. P
"In 1982, a patient came to see me who had unusually sallow skin and blisters on his hands. He sweated profusely and complained of annoying high-pitched sounds in his ear. I spent weeks combing through the medical literature for an explanation. Finally, I devised a simple one-question test that yielded results: 'Are you a drummer for Toto?' The patient answered in the affirmative, and I urged him to terminate his employment. The case was so obvious, I kicked myself for not making the correct diagnosis sooner. Had I done that, he would have been spared several weeks of agony."

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Dr. Q
"I once treated a lovely young lady who exhibited muscle stiffness in her legs. When I examined her, I noticed she had a mild sticky residue on her chin. She said she was forced to attend parties for her job, and was so shy she would lock herself in the bathroom, wedge herself between the toilet and the wall, wrap duct tape around her head, and wait for unconsciousness. I concluded that the stiffness in her legs came from the brisk walk to the five-and-ten for the duct tape, as it was several blocks from her apartment. She now orders the duct tape over the Internet."

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Dr. R
"The parents of a teenage boy were concerned about his chronic allergies. Tommy's eyes were always red and puffy. So I ran tests exposing him to over 100 plant varieties, I monitored food reactions, I ran chemical patch tests, and at one point I even visited their house to check for mold and dust mites. I got a bit obsessed with the case, actually. For three years I tried to find the cause of Tommy's symptoms. Then he graduated high school and moved away. I closed the file. Last week I got a call from Tommy that finally cleared things up. He used to come home from school and cry every night because he thought he was gay. Now he is married with two children, and says he hardly ever cries over that anymore."

 

 

OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
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New Issue Is Out; It Is Our Fifth And We Like It
The Birdwatcherist By Peter Bebergal
A Clarification By Vali Chandrasekaran
Some of the Things They Died of in Nineteenth-Century Santa Barbara, California By Rose Gowen
A Spoken-Word Poem for America By Neal Pollack

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