Customer service at the Karaoke Don Quixote is main thing we worry about. Because if customer doesn't go here, will go elsewhere, and soon no customers go here period. We treat them special. We feign bad foreign accent to make feel better. We not decide on particular region—because if customer is from said particular region, or customer's family is, is no good, no? No. Is no good. Is little Italian, little Polack, little bit here and there. Is good. Because it gets customer singing. Customer service is number one priority for us. We say, You sing, you sing! Is person drinking? Yes! Is good, for beer and spirits make person sing, and people singing is good: They buy more beer and spirits. And intoxication is good because is no cover charge. Is good, because people like singing great works of literature, and is good because they drink more, so more profits. First we start with Don Quixote. But soon we branch to postmodernist stuff, because customers want, and customers is always accurate: They say, Barth! Barthelme! Pynchon! Coover! We say, OK. We say, is good. Also postmodernists drink. Minimalists, they don't drink so much. Is poetry good? No, is no good. Poetry karaoke, is like haiku, sonatinas—no good, no one sings. Classic is good: Melville and Tolstoy and some other peoples—big hits, big big hits. Is reason for accent? Is annoying you? Logic? Logic is, these are shy peoples—literature peoples is shy. Is sitting around reading, no much dancing, maybe some drinking and then dancing, but stiff, you know? Is people reading travel, you know? The New York Times travel section? Also travelogues and such. Is dreaming of going elsewhere, maybe finding charming out-of-the-way spots with kindly innkeepers, lovely foreign women, also big motherly types that feed them exotic soups and ales and such. And maybe, in this fantasy of going places, they're thinking they might let go a little because no one knows them, right? So we feed that fantasy a little. Is good, is people happy. Is good business. People sing: They sing Quixote: « En un lugar de la Mancha, de cuyo nombre no quiero acordarme, no ha mucho tiempo que vivía un hidalgo de los de lanza en astillero, adarga antigua, rocín flaco y galgo corredor. » Or sing dubbed international public domain version: "In a village of La Mancha, the name of which I have no desire to call to mind, there lived not long since one of those gentlemen that keep a lance in the lance-rack, an old buckler, a lean hack, and a greyhound for coursing." Is good! Business is good. We have many franchises. As for matter of customer service—customers happy, is always happy here—service-wise we are number one. Soon we open in La Mancha—is ironic, no? Waiters feign heavy American accent. Talk loud. Slow. Is good. People feel OK singing. Is happy. Soon: IPO. T-shirts. Web site. CDs. Is good!
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Excerpts From the Script of the Completely Made-Up Walking Tour of Greenwich Village I Have Recently Been Giving, for a Small Fee, to Unsuspecting Tourists By Dan Kennedy Melville's Summaries of the Last Chapters of Moby Dick Before He Sent Them to Hawthorne for Review and Comment By Michael Dabrasha Having Not Been Paying Attention Since 1586 By Benjamin Cohen Coming Soon From McSweeney's and McSweeney's Books Ann Landers' Parallel Universe By Jim Stallard |
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