Perfect for Mother's Day: the Baby Be of Use series or The Secret Language of Sleep. - - - -

P R O P O S E D   I N D I A N N A M E S   F O R   C E R T A I N W H I T E   P E O P L E . BY PAUL MALISZEWSKI - - - - Aspires To Upper Management Bleaches Teeth Borrows With No Intention Of Returning Brainstorms Alone Buys Plants For Companionship Calls Up Talk Of The Nation Collects Old Pens Comments On How Wonderful Bread Is Considers Skydiving As Possible Hobby Considers Soup Selects Salad Draws On Feet Draws On Vast Experience As Proven Team Player Eats Fruit Far Too Seldom Eats Own Words Estimates Shipping Costs Examines Skin For Moles Extends Lines Of Credit Fantasizes About Climbing Buildings Fixes Paper Jams Forgets To Take Meds Fritters Away Savings Gets Rich Quick Again Insists Pizza And Beer's On Me Invents New Persona Jokes About Misfortune Of Others Lacks Management Skills Necessary For Advancement Listens To Gut Locks Door, Unlocks Door, Locks Door, Unlocks Door, Locks Door Before Leaving Longs For Day When Hair Was Shiny Looks For Love In Wrong Places Loses Games Of Chance And Takes It Personally Lurks Near Restroom Manages Multiple Tasks With No Problem Moisturizes With Lotion Pays Bills On-Time Practices Good Posture Proffers Swiss Army Knife When Inappropriate Prunes Roses Raises Voice In Anger Then Gets Sheepish Reconsiders Skydiving As Possible Hobby Recycles Same Joke With Different Friends Rehearses Before Mirror Says What You Want To Hear Sculpts Eyebrows Searches Flea Market For Treasure Sends Mixed Signals Sits On Board Of Directors Stands By What's His Name Subscribes To Sunday Times Home Delivery Switches Therapists Before Breakthrough Takes Care Of Payroll Talks To Animals Teases Squirrels Thinks Of Self As Buddhist Urinates In Shower Uses PowerPoint Views Life As Eternal Struggle Between Forces Of Good And Evil Wants To Hang Out Waters Lawn Wears Belt And Suspenders Wears Matching Bra And Panties Wonders About The Future, i.e. What It Will Be Like Works On Abs Worries About NASDAQ Wrestles Weakly With Conscience Writes Prose Poems To Baby Daughter Xeroxes For Boss Yaks On Phone All Day Zigs When He Should Zag     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - Customer Service at The Karaoke Don Quixote By J.M. Martinez Excerpts From the Script of the Completely Made-Up Walking Tour of Greenwich Village I Have Recently Been Giving, for a Small Fee, to Unsuspecting Tourists By Dan Kennedy Melville's Summaries of the Last Chapters of Moby Dick Before He Sent Them to Hawthorne for Review and Comment By Michael Dabrasha Having Not Been Paying Attention Since 1586 By Benjamin Cohen Coming Soon From McSweeney's and McSweeney's Books

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL