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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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P R O P O S E D   I N D I A N N A M E S   F O R   C E R T A I N W H I T E   P E O P L E . BY PAUL MALISZEWSKI - - - - Aspires To Upper Management Bleaches Teeth Borrows With No Intention Of Returning Brainstorms Alone Buys Plants For Companionship Calls Up Talk Of The Nation Collects Old Pens Comments On How Wonderful Bread Is Considers Skydiving As Possible Hobby Considers Soup Selects Salad Draws On Feet Draws On Vast Experience As Proven Team Player Eats Fruit Far Too Seldom Eats Own Words Estimates Shipping Costs Examines Skin For Moles Extends Lines Of Credit Fantasizes About Climbing Buildings Fixes Paper Jams Forgets To Take Meds Fritters Away Savings Gets Rich Quick Again Insists Pizza And Beer's On Me Invents New Persona Jokes About Misfortune Of Others Lacks Management Skills Necessary For Advancement Listens To Gut Locks Door, Unlocks Door, Locks Door, Unlocks Door, Locks Door Before Leaving Longs For Day When Hair Was Shiny Looks For Love In Wrong Places Loses Games Of Chance And Takes It Personally Lurks Near Restroom Manages Multiple Tasks With No Problem Moisturizes With Lotion Pays Bills On-Time Practices Good Posture Proffers Swiss Army Knife When Inappropriate Prunes Roses Raises Voice In Anger Then Gets Sheepish Reconsiders Skydiving As Possible Hobby Recycles Same Joke With Different Friends Rehearses Before Mirror Says What You Want To Hear Sculpts Eyebrows Searches Flea Market For Treasure Sends Mixed Signals Sits On Board Of Directors Stands By What's His Name Subscribes To Sunday Times Home Delivery Switches Therapists Before Breakthrough Takes Care Of Payroll Talks To Animals Teases Squirrels Thinks Of Self As Buddhist Urinates In Shower Uses PowerPoint Views Life As Eternal Struggle Between Forces Of Good And Evil Wants To Hang Out Waters Lawn Wears Belt And Suspenders Wears Matching Bra And Panties Wonders About The Future, i.e. What It Will Be Like Works On Abs Worries About NASDAQ Wrestles Weakly With Conscience Writes Prose Poems To Baby Daughter Xeroxes For Boss Yaks On Phone All Day Zigs When He Should Zag     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - Customer Service at The Karaoke Don Quixote By J.M. Martinez Excerpts From the Script of the Completely Made-Up Walking Tour of Greenwich Village I Have Recently Been Giving, for a Small Fee, to Unsuspecting Tourists By Dan Kennedy Melville's Summaries of the Last Chapters of Moby Dick Before He Sent Them to Hawthorne for Review and Comment By Michael Dabrasha Having Not Been Paying Attention Since 1586 By Benjamin Cohen Coming Soon From McSweeney's and McSweeney's Books

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL