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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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S H H H !   I T ' S   A B A B Y   S H O W E R ! BY ALYSIA GRAY PAINTER - - - - Tiny tunic, wee robe, itsy bitsy sandals, In a manger, in a stable, light the candles, A donkey will bray, sheep will baa, Followers pray, magi say ahh! Let the scrolls shout this perception, This beatific babe is a Miss conception, In deism or theism none will be comparable, Golly Galilee, it's the Enfant Parable! IT'S A BABY SHOWER FOR: Mary DATE: December 23 TIME: High sun WHERE: The Inn GIVEN BY: Womenfolk Come enjoy a light lunch of fasting and supplication, followed by gifts and games! GIFT IDEAS Mom does say that Baby is fine for myrrh and frankincense but could use onesies or an exersaucer!!! Keep in mind that the feel of Baby's nursery is rustic. The décor is unfinished wood and dirt floors displaying a realistic animal motif. Also, we're making a "Questions Quilt" for Mommy! Guests are asked to sew a cloth square with a bit of favorite advice on it, in the form of a question Mary might have as a new mom. Then put your answer on the back of the square -- so easy! Example: front — "How do I get the baby to stop crying?" Back -- "Hold baby and sing." Or front — "Baby sermonizes and makes town elders mad — help!" Back — "Hugs, hugs and more hugs." FYI, we've already got "What do you do when they come to crucify your son?/Pray and weep" and "How do you feed a child who won't touch food for 40 days?/He'll eat when he's hungry." Please choose a light or navy blue for your cloth square. GAMES Time & Date Guess the minute, hour and day Baby will arrive and win an earthen jug or other prize! Guess the minute, hour and day of Baby's death, and win an all-expenses-paid trip to exciting Rome, as a special guest of the Emperor himself! Word Fun How many different words can you make out of Bottle? Blanket? Leper? INRI? An amphora of wine or honey water goes to the wordsmith. Diaper Duty Can you diaper in a dash? With just one hand? On a goat? We're going to see who the queen of the quick change is among us. Winner gets the goat. Measuring Mommy Bring string — we're measuring Mommy's middle, and whoever guesses her girth gets a "coupon" good to be raised from the dead one day, or a pretty trinket. Rattle Tattle Each guest will receive a baby rattle upon arrival. When everyone has gathered, a list of everyday actions will be declared "forbidden" for the duration of the party. If you catch someone in the off-limits action, they have to turn their rattle over to you. The person with the most rattles wins something special! Actions on the "forbidden" list will include brushing hair behind ear, straightening your skirt, experiencing an epiphany, and spontaneously speaking in tongues while writhing about in ecclesiastical ecstasy. DIRECTIONS Head north towards the hill. Follow the pebble road just past the temple then turn left at the three hovels. You'll see a wise beggar to your right, then a false messiah preaching on the corner. Make another right just past the false messiah, and enter the second door on your left by the grazing horse (note: do not pet horse). Please RSVP by December 22.     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - Email to the Guy Who Runs the Football Pool By Dan Davis How to Avoid a Hangover By Colleen O'Brien The Seal House: A Moral Multiple Choice By Linda Kilby Same Guy, Next Year: A Tragedy in Four Acts By Neal Pollack Report From Belfast By Jim Ruland

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL