One of the most famous final lines in all of literature is F. Scott Fitzgerald's coda to The Great Gatsby: "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." It is as close to perfect an ending as any American writer has yet devised. Yet it's difficult not to wonder how differently we might regard that work, had Fitzgerald heeded Zelda's suggestion to follow that line with, "And then Nick woke up. It had all been a dream. Or had it…?" - - - - It seems to go without saying that Elvis Presley was the greatest celebrity of all time — the original superstar. He came along at a time when mass media was just forming, and effortlessly blended the various schools of American music into a potent new form that captured the imagination of the baby boomers at just the moment when they were becoming an unparalleled force in the culture. But let us now consider whether Presley could have been an even bigger star. What if, for instance, in addition to being able to effortlessly meld the various schools of American music, he had also been a brilliant neurosurgeon? Wouldn't that have made him even more renowned? Okay, now let's alter the formula somewhat: What if he'd been able to effortlessly meld the various schools of American music, been a brilliant neurosurgeon — BUT, he'd had slightly buck teeth? Would he have been more famous, slightly less famous, or exactly the same? All right. Now let's start with basic Elvis again. What if he — instead of Tennessee Williams — had written A Streetcar Named Desire, but he'd also been born with lobster-like claws for hands? Leave aside the question of how he would have written the play — for the sake of argument, let's say he dictated it, or maybe had some sort of special typewriter. How he wrote the plays isn't important. The question is, would he have been as widely adored? More so? Less so? Now, what if he'd been able to fly, but had also been a known Communist? What if he had been the first man on the moon, but had also carried on a highly public affair with Randolph Scott? What if he'd broken Babe Ruth's hitting record, but had also engaged in uprovoked fisticuffs with Lucille Ball on live national television? - - - - Whatever you think of her actions, it's difficult not to feel some sympathy for Monica Lewinsky. The sad fact is that, for the rest of her days, her name will be associated with her actions in the Clinton White House. When someone says "Monica Lewinsky," people will always think of oral sex. There is, as I see it, only one way for Miss Lewinsky to change this: By embarking on a multi-state armed-robbery and killing spree. - - - - QUEEN BEATRIX OF THE NETHERLANDS It must be a little odd to be Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands. On the one hand, you're the queen, and that's probably pretty nice. On the other hand, it is the Netherlands. And the thing about being queen is, it's not like you can dream of one day getting a better job. You can't think to yourself, "Maybe if I went back to grad school, I could…" or, "You know, it's not too late for me to become a firefighter." Nope. It's queen, queen, queen, right up 'till the day you die. - - - - It seems safe to argue that, were she to choose Finnegans Wake for her Book Club, Oprah Winfrey's ratings might suffer slightly. But how much? A three percent drop? Five? Ten? Okay, now what if she were to choose American Psycho? Justine? The Protocols of the Elders of Zion? - - - - In pardoning Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford claimed that he was helping to end "America's long national nightmare." But perhaps his actions were simply a way of foregoing what would, in the short term, be extraordinarily difficult, but might in the long term have been beneficial for the country — that is, a thorough airing of the Nixonian dirty laundry. Perhaps a better solution might have been to take Nixon aside, press a wad of bills into his hand, and whisper, "You have forty-eight hours to make it to Canada. Now go, run like the wind!" - - - - What if Dr. Louis Pasteur hadn't really wanted to be a doctor in the first place? What if he'd really, really wanted to be a dancer, and his loving but stern father had forced him into medicine as an occupation? Sure, it's nice to have pasteurized milk and cheese and all — but is it really worth crushing young Lou Pasteur's dream of a life on the stage? - - - - In launching Playboy, perhaps the smartest thing Hugh Hefner did was in establishing his personality as that of a witty, urbane sophisticate who enjoyed the company of many, many young women. After all, who knows how many fewer copies the magazine might have sold, had he instead depicted himself as a solitary masturbator?
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Prank Calling My Mother, Four Transcripts By Amie Barrodale Chronicles of Rochveldt Caertflenk, The Ugliest Man in the World By Wyatt Mason Six Places We May Have Met By David K. Gibson The Kurt Luchs Money-Making System By Kurt Luchs Holiday in Hiroshima By Tom Bradley |
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