— In or around 1969, Marlboro patented a green variant of its own package in which to market marijuana cigarettes in the event of legalization. — Michael Jackson owns the rights to all the Beatles' songs. — Young, nubile girls arriving to a big city or a foreign country are being drafted into prostitution or worse by an organized ring of evil-doers, a veritable octopus with tentacles stretching all over the globe, from Poland to Paris to Buenos Aires and Shanghai. Young, impressionable young girls, barely teenagers, barely clothed, with soft, translucent skins, pure, snow-like one should say, are being corrupted by filthy foreigners with despicable hygiene and even worse morals. This is known as the scourge of white slavery. — The inventor of jogging died young of a heart attack. — Man is the wolf of man. — In Japan, middle-aged executives buy the soiled underwear of young girls from street vending machines. — Women like shopping. Men, tools. — James Earl Jones did the voice of Darth Vader. He also says "THIS is CNN." — Jamie Lee Curtis is actually a man. He probably likes tools, not shopping. — No one is who they seem on the Internet. In fact, it is very likely that someone claiming to be a young, impressionable young girl with soft, translucent skin is in fact a prowling cop. This makes white slavery very difficult to practice on the Internet. — David Letterman likes to keep his studio very cold. — In Japan, Michael Jackson owns the rights to Marlboro's green package, which he intends to market to joggers. — Wolves like CNN. They also wish they had tentacles stretching all over the globe. — David Letterman almost died young of a heart attack. I don't know if he's a jogger or a prowling cop. — The inventor of marijuana cigarettes is Jamie Lee Curtis. He markets them from street vending machines. He keeps his wolves very cold. — Michael Jackson is the underwear of James Earl Jones. Marlboro did the voice of the Internet. — Filthy foreigners with despicable hygiene and even worse morals keep themselves very cold after purchasing marijuana cigarettes from vending machines. Jamie Lee Curtis says "THIS is CNN," while wolves in soiled, vulpine underwear prowl the Internet looking for young, nubile girls arriving to a big city or foreign country. Meanwhile, in Japan, the Beatles stretch their soft, translucent tentacles in order to market vending-machine-vending vending machines, which are enormous and very cold. James Earl Jones tried to purchase one to install in David Letterman's studio, but was told that they were not for sale, but could only be traded for nubile young girls. From Poland to Paris to Buenos Aires and Shanghai, everything went very cold. — Men, tools.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
What's That Brittle Cracking Sound? By Jason Ross Starting Over With Pat Nixon By Tom Gliatto Social Solecisms Committed by Myself or Others While I Read "The Education of Henry Adams" on the Los Angeles Public Transit System By Emma Dewald A Journal Entry from the Nemesis of Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance By Bob Bringhurst A Transcript of Yesterday's Super Bowl Halftime Show, As It Happened in a Parallel Universe That Only I Can See By Tim Carvell |
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