Please welcome Amy Jean Porter's horse T-shirt. For the next few days, the shirt is 20 percent off. - - - - |
NAME: Indiana ("Indy" "Hoosier Honey") OCCUPATION: State BIRTHDAY: December 11th, 18??? BIRD: Cardinal FLOWER: Peony A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOURSELF: Well, after entering the union as the 19th state, I had a lot of success with factory-driven commerce and agriculture. I guess I started seeing Oregon a little bit after this, it wasn't yet a state, younger than me and all that, not that I go in for that necessarily. Then Oregon became a state, maybe around 1859? I never heard from the busy Beaver State again. My good friend Calif— well, let's just say a good friend, spotted Oregon under Washington one night and practically every day since. That hurt a lot. A LOT. YOUR IDEAL PARTNER: A strong state, older than my last fling, not so brash. Illinois maybe? We've been neighbors for a long time. "Nois" knows my whole past and hasn't run yet. Chicago is a good kid, too, loud but loves his parent. - - - - STATE: Arizona ("The Zone") OCCUPATION: State (I used to be a Mexican territory, tho — quite the fiesta) BIRTHDAY: VALENTINE'S DAY OF COURSE! Isn't that romantic? 1912. Here's a shout-out to New Mexico — 1912 rules! LOWEST POINT: Breaking up with my ex? Kidding. The Colorado River at 70 feet above sea level. FAMOUS GHOST TOWNS: Bisbee, Jerome, Tombstone. And my love life! A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOURSELF: I'm young, I'm fun, I'm all sun and I got a great tan line called the Grand Canyon! Take that Montana (private joke)! Anyhoo, I have dated quite a bit. Other states want to know me from A to Z! AZ. Seriously, I guess my most permanent thing was with Delaware some years back, sort of a May-December deal. Del kept asking when I'd lose my baby fat — you know, I'm much bigger and bulkier than my petite ex — but what Delaware didn't understand is my mass of 114006 square miles is like a law! I can't lose the weight, ever. Sigh. Bring on the sour cream enchiladas! :) YOUR IDEAL PARTNER: Cute flag, good motto, big borders? Phone the Zone!!! - - - - NAME: New York ("New York") OCCUPATION: Filling out damn forms. BIRTHDAY: The 25th of none-of-your-business. POPULATION: My business, not yours. TREE: Plenty. A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOURSELF: Order the brochure. YOUR IDEAL PARTNER: A mountainous state, if you catch my drift. Lots of mountains. Colorado free? - - - - Dear Indiana, Dear Arizona, Dear New York,
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Two Previously Known and Fourteen Brand-New Closing Signatures, to be Inserted at the End of Your Love Letters for Valentine's or Any Other Day By Mike Sacks A Short Story About the Academy Awards By Tim Carvell Three Thought Experiments (With Study Questions) By Sean Carman A Brief Analysis of the Dissolution of the Cruise-Kidman Marriage, Presented in a New Literary Genre That Consists of Five Pairs of Rhyming Movie Titles, and, Attached to Each Title, a Movie Summary of Exactly Fifty Words, Which Is Not Precisely as Many Words as This Title, But Rather One Less By Ben Greenman Memories of Times Square By Neal Pollack |
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