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Karate is a potent and essential weapon. Those who have been endowed with it, or blessed with it naturally, graced by karate's crisp, clean ballet of force, have access to one of the most formidable mind-body unities in the history of mass politics. Franklin Delano Roosevelt (archenemy The Toad) used karate to upset the political bipeds who pretended to his seat of power—this in the throes of World War II and the sudden outbreak of karate among Beltway insiders. Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon (archenemy The Hare) found karate to be a source of truth and inner peace. From the Chan-Ho ready position at his desk, he trained and sent out a cadre of stealth political attachés who used the "dance of the invisible wind" to break into a hotel—the act referred to in the language of karate as Bassai Sho. Nixon was also known to enter into a state of Heian Shodan—Peaceful Mind First Level. Washington (archenemy The Grasshopper) favored a combination of Hangetsu Dachi—half-moon stance—and Ippon Nukite—one-fingered strike. Others who favored the one-fingered strike were Madison (archenemy The Badger), Jefferson (archenemy The Ram), Truman (archenemy The Owl), and Andrew Jackson (archenemy The Vole). When Ulysses S. Grant had mastered the twenty principles of karate—1. In Karate, start with a bow and finish with a bow... 19. Do not forget (a) light and heavy application of power, (b) expansion and contraction of the body, (c) slowness and speed of techniques—he went out into the land and used them against the creatures of the forest. Grover Cleveland (archenemy The Spider) improved upon many of the traditional strikes of karate—the Ippon Tsuki (one-finger thrust), the Keito Uchi (chicken-head strike), and added one of his own—the cock block. Ronald Reagan himself invented almost a whole new form of karate. From deep in his chamber, in the Hagetsu Dachi ready position, he entered into a deep state of Heian Godan in which his spirit became one with the universe and he engaged in heroic immortal combat with the ancestors. The only U.S. President to throw a perfect punch, according to the booklet, was Millard Fillmore, on July 10, 1850, during the inaugural ceremony of his succession of a dead U.S. President. It was a one-finger strike delivered from the diagonal leg stance before a standing crowd. Jimmy Carter engaged in epic battle with his archenemy Arachis Hypogae (peanut) before a live studio audience in Atlanta. Karate entered forever into the language of mass politics. Japan, the principal manufacturer and distributor of karate prior to WWII, understands perhaps more than any other nation the importance of a proper uniform. Aides wear yellow belts. Advisors are green belts. Congressmen tend to be brown belts. The belt of a U.S. President is invariably black. The only U.S. President not to wear a black belt was Ulysses S. Grant. Although a master of karate, he entered into battle on top of a horse. The only rule is that a President can never use karate against another President. They may use jiu-jitsu. A U.S. President is advised to have for his archenemy either the spider, the hare, the deer, the monkey, the ram, the larkspur, the gazelle, or any creature of the forest. Ben Franklin's archenemy was not The Eagle; it was The Dust Mite. Franklin, though not a U.S. President, was a master of karate, and is frequently mentioned alongside those immortal names. A single blow from Truman, either a one-finger thrust or a chicken-head strike, would be enough to change the complexion of any race, and bring about a wave of admiration. A U.S. Admiral, after using karate in a battle to the death against a three-star U.S. General, remarked on the special power of karate to channel the vital energies and align the internal organs. Following the draw, both men saved face by committing seppuku. It is a little known fact that Lincoln did not die from the gunshot fired by John Wilkes Booth. Upon his last breath, he committed seppuku. Reagan attempted seppuku but the wounds were superficial. Kennedy attempted seppuku but at the last moment was overcome by the great urge. Who would win between a U.S. Congressman and a U.S. State Supreme Court Justice? The question then becomes—can karate beat karate? Other U.S. Presidents who attempted seppuku were: Millard Fillmore, Andrew Jackson, Grover Cleveland, Zachary Taylor, Warren Harding, Theodore Roosevelt, FDR, LBJ and Gerald Ford. Many of them failed. First Ladies are often masters of T'ai Chi. Lady Bird Johnson used T'ai Chi to steady her nerves. Mrs. Lincoln, the fifteenth U.S. First Lady, used a combination of T'ai Chi and gloved hand movement. Three U.S. First Ladies, all masters of T'ai Chi, are often not a match for a single U.S. President endowed with karate. It took a group of ten U.S. First Ladies, all experts in T'ai Chi, to subdue Gerald Ford at the height of his powers. Seven First Ladies, expert in T'ai Chi, are usually enough to defeat a single U.S. President, unless the President has the support of the Chinese. In considering Richard Nixon, never forget the importance of the Chinese. Kung Fu. The I Ching. T'ai Chi. There has always been a secret connection between Richard Nixon and the U.S. First Ladies, the mysterious and secret language of T'ai Chi. But contrary to popular belief, the archenemy of the U.S. First Ladies is not the hare, or, for that matter, Richard Nixon. Neither is it their intention to compete with the mass-market exercise cult Falun Gong, of special interest to the Chinese. Though she is not, technically, the wife of a U.S. President, the five remaining U.S. First Ladies made it a point to extend to Margaret Thatcher the honorary title of first lady—the first lady to successfully deliver a karate chop on a global stage. There are many who clamor for the hospitality of a U.S. First Lady. If you are a U.S. President, and you are endowed with karate—and you are not Richard Nixon—there is a chance (there is no other way) that you will be allowed to penetrate the inmost lair of her dojo.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
I Can Fly By Mark Davison The Surprising Truth About My Young Cousin Josh, Being the Second Chapter in the Memoirs of a Former Professional Literary Agent; With Selected Questions Answered and Certain Promises Fulfilled By John Hodgman The Needling and the Damage Not Done By Michelle Orange A Letter from the Home for Retired Office Furniture By David Rossmann A Speculative Dialogue Regarding the Recent Pardon of Corrupt Financier Marc Rich That Incorporates the Titles of Some of the More Than Two Hundred Songs Written by Denise Rich, as Listed on the Website of BMI Music Publishing, and Achieves Humor by Juxtaposing an Absurd, Fictional Conversation With an Absurd, Entirely Factual List of Songs By Ben Greenman |
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