Through this Friday, all available back issues of Wholphin are half off—10 bucks apiece for countless warm evenings of rare films, featuring Miranda July, Paul Rudd, Donald Trump, and a monkey-faced eel. - - - - |
Dear Diary, Wow! College is everything I thought it'd be. Such diversity! Jimmy, my roommate, went to school in a three-bedroom brick rambler, and Bobby and Robby, the guys across the hall, spent their senior year in a Dutch Colonial with a screened-in porch. One guy even went to school in a condo! I feel like I've been exposed to a whole new world. - - - - Dear Diary, I've given it a lot of thought, and I've decided to major in government. There are so many great government classes in the course catalog! As far as I can tell, you really need to be a government major to be part of the "in crowd" here. - - - - Dear Diary, My first college party! A bunch of us got together last night at Bobby and Robby's room. We cranked up the Amy Grant and drank more apple juice than I've ever had in my life. Maybe it was the music, but after about 10 minutes we got so pumped up that we ran back to our rooms and called our parents. A few people were hyperventilating. - - - - Dear Diary, I just received my schedule and I'm really excited. Here's what I'm taking: 10:00-10:50 Government I'm a little worried about the late-afternoon class. I hear it's tough. - - - - Dear Diary, The athletic programs here are excellent. All the home-school sports are offered, and the competition is fierce (everyone at Patrick Henry was the best athlete at their home school). I thought I was pretty good at running in circles in the backyard, but we've got some guys who just fly around the backyard. One guy—Timmy—has this move where he spins as he runs and scoops up leaves and throws them over his head. It's so awesome. You can tell he spent a lot of time practicing. I haven't seen our schedule yet, but I think we've got a great chance of going undefeated. - - - - Dear Diary, I sure am learning a lot about government. Mistrusting the government, overthrowing the government, why the government is too intrusive unless it's restricting something you don't like—college is opening up my mind to a lot of new ideas! (Did you know that the Constitution requires a separation of church and state? I always thought this was something the public school kids made up.) - - - - Dear Diary, I think I've met a girl I like! Her name is Suzy, and she's a government major. She graduated from a three-bedroom Victorian last fall, and her goal in life is to fulfill her parents' dreams. I sit next to her in government class. Every time I think about asking her out I get nervous. I didn't feel this way when I asked Mom to my senior prom! - - - - Dear Diary, Don't have time to write—I've got a big government exam tomorrow—but guess what? Suzy likes me! We ate apple pie in the cafeteria and talked about government until 8:00 p.m. Even better, both our parents signed our dating application and approval forms. College life rules! - - - - Dear Diary, Well, all my exams are over, and hard as it is to believe, tomorrow is graduation day. Suzy and I have talked long and hard about our future together, and we've decided that after graduation we're going to pursue careers in government. Thanks to all our years in home-school, and our time here at the college, our mission, as we see it, is clear: To lobby Congress for legislation moving all forms of government into the home. Assuming we get permission from our parents, of course.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Strangers on Vacation: Snapshots By J.M. Martinez The Uma Thurman Suicides: How My Mom Almost Destroyed Uma Thurman's Career, and Other Uma Thurman Anecdotes That Just Barely Involve Uma Thurman (and Do Not Involve Suicide) By Matt Gross The Grasshopper Joke By Michael Fournier Memorable Occasions When People Have Compared Me To James Spader By Jim Flood St. Patrick's Day Special: Lesser-Known Irish Saints, Being a Brief Compendium of Hibernian Heroes, Martyrs & Miracle Workers By Jim Ruland |
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