O T H E R S P Y
T R O U B L E S .
BY JEFF JOHNSON
- - - -
CAPTOR: Vicki Carnavale, 11, Utica, NY.
HOSTAGE: GameBoy belonging to David
Friendly, 11.
THE FACTS: Vicki has been holding the
GameBoy since Friendly was caught
looking over her shoulder in class to see how to make a cursive "Q."
Friendly has not been able to see or touch the gaming device since
noon Monday, when the batteries were thrown out the window by
Carnavale's best buddy Jodi White. White claims she never saw the
device and that the battery toss was a dare that had nothing to do
with any punishment Friendly is receiving from Vicki. Friendly knows
he can't tattle either because currently his report card is filled
with more "N"s than "S"s, in fact, sources say the only "S" he'd
probably get is in copying other's work.
COMMENT: "The 'Q' looks like a 'Z' or a '2.' I was supposed
to be
held back last year, so I obviously need some instruction. It was my
plea for help. I was crying out. No one listened, and they just
reacted violently, and now I can't even console myself with video
games." —David Friendly
- - - -
CAPTOR: Raymond Mussbita, 47, Pensacola, FL.
HOSTAGE: Eukanuba brand dog food, intended
for Parris, a Cocker
Spaniel, 4.
THE FACTS: Mussbita won't let Parris eat any
dinner after 7 PM.
Parris got into a carton of Breyer's Butter Brickle ice cream at
midnight
Sunday and, in Mussbita's words, "Turded on the linoleum." The dog
will not confirm or deny this charge. Mussbita says the dinnertime
change is "only trial,"
until his wife Gloria gets back from Columbus, OH.
COMMENT: "She's visiting family. She'd be none too
pleased, but I'm
drawing a line here. I'm in charge until she gets back. What I say
goes. It's up to me to issue a punishment. 'Cause I'm boss. I like
ice cream and it isn't fair. I'm really trying to run a tight ship
here. And a clean one. And I'm judge, jury, and executioner of this
animal. I've gotta return some adult videos and then this dog will get
more than a talking-to." —Mussbita
- - - -
CAPTOR: Cuba.
HOSTAGE: One copy of an August, 1988,
Reader's Digest.
THE FACTS: Magazine was accidentally left
behind by actor Andy
Garcia
in October of 1995. Cuba wonders when Garcia would like to come pick
it up.
COMMENT: "When, Andy? You think we have room
for all your crap here?
That's pretty fuckin' selfish. 'Oh, Cuba loves Reader's Digest. Leave
a bunch there.' Listen, Reader's Digest is BOR-ING, pal. It's only
about 3,000 miles to the right of what we're trying to do down here.
It's propaganda, Garcia. You think 'cause you got kind of a cute
nose, you can sneak that crap down here? And what? Maybe a maid
reads it? Gets some ideas? Ain't no maids readin' Ingles down here,
fella." —Cuba
- - - -
CAPTOR: Duluth Shriners, Duluth, Minnesota.
HOSTAGE: Juicy gossip.
THE FACTS: The Shriners won't let that bitch
who tried to sneak soy
cheese onto one of their olive pizzas at Rudy's last Friday come and
listen to their gossip when she takes their orders now.
COMMENT: "No reason to lie about running out
of mozzarella. We
woulda just eaten more bread. Instead, Ernie's jaw heated up real bad,
like
it always does with soy-based products. He can't tolerate 'em. And
we, as Shriners, don't tolerate waitress-lying, or fraud." —Lucky
Pendergast, 62
- - - -
CAPTOR: Texas State Troopers, El Paso, TX.
HOSTAGE: Radar detector belonging to Dutch
Weebso, 37.
THE FACTS: Weebso is irate that Texas State
Troopers issued him a
speeding ticket just outside of Plano and confiscated his radar
detector.
COMMENT: "Hello? I'm trying to earn a
living, please. I'd like my
electronic monitoring device back. It is not a radar jammer. The
catalogue says so. Jesus H. Christ. It's just a traffic monitor."
—Weebso
- - - -
CAPTOR: Romania.
HOSTAGE: Extra socks.
THE FACTS: Origin unknown. They will give
them back.
COMMENT: "But we need bananas or espresso."
—Romania
- - - -
CAPTOR: Veltri Insurance of Pomona,
California.
HOSTAGE: Gus Knowles' Jeep Wrangler.
THE FACTS: Veltri will not let Gus's wife
look at the vehicle he
drove through the front window of Jamba Juice last Saturday morning.
COMMENT: "We're getting some appraisals. And
due to the charges Gus
faces, and due to the comment he said about his brakes not working
to us, we'd rather not show any family members the vehicle. Plus, his
wife keeps books at a body shop. The Knowles have already tried to
get clever with us. We have to draw a line in the sand that the
Knowles can cross. I mean can't cross. Or if they do cross it, why,
there should be a tariff. A steep one that would make them think
twice about fraud and line-crossing." —Doug Kemmler, Veltri VP
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
- - - -
My Dollhouse By Renate Robertson
Magazine Ad Sponsored by a Reputable Trust Company By David Rossmann
32 1/2 Things I Learned on a Blind Date With a Pretty Girl Named Heather By Todd Zuniga
Womenu By Alysia Gray Painter
The First Annual New York University Neal Pollack Chair In American Literature Lecture By Neal Pollack
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.