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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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Little 'It' Years LITTLE IT GIRL lives up north in a pub with Mummy and Daddy. Mummy and Daddy drink lots of beer. They think it is delicious. Yum. Yum. Mummy and Daddy like LITTLE IT GIRL out of their way while they are busy in the bar. They are always busy in the bar. LITTLE IT GIRL gets nightmares so each night at bedtime, Daddy gives her sherry to 'settle her off.' Daddy is very kind. He calls Little It his VERY OWN PRINCESS. - - - - What LITTLE IT Did... One morning LITTLE IT goes into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom. Mummy is not in bed with Daddy. Another lady is instead. LITTLE IT asks Daddy where her Mummy is. He tells her she's run off with a black man. Daddy likes a laugh. Later, Daddy tells LITTLE IT that her Mummy has gone to a special place to dry out. Funny, LITTLE IT hadn't noticed she'd been wet. Sitting in her bedroom, LITTLE IT dreams of red high heels, a silver Jaguar and a fat fur coat. LITTLE IT lives in film. - - - - What IT Did Next - Its Teentime. IT GIRL'S bangles are up to her elbows, her hair backcombed high. Like her image, it's Rock-Hard. Her lips are Twilight Teaser. She dances to Madonna's 'Get Into the Groove.' IT GIRL has got right into that groove. IT GIRL lusts after Snap, the best young offender in town. Like his tattoos, they share a L.O.V.E. H.A.T.E. relationship (and all coppers are bastards). IT GIRL hangs down Sniffer's Alley with Snap and his Psycho-Billy friends. They might be lovers if the rhythm's right. IT GIRL gazes up at Snap's orange quiff, and strokes his pet rat. Snap wants a bit of IT. A of cider-and-black or five disguises anything virginal. They do it to a King Kurt record, Snap's favourite band. Bollocks. IT GIRL has bled over Snap's parents' sheets. IT GIRL should not have believed those horse riding myths. Snap laughs and tells his friends. IT'S story shoots to the top of the best top ten stories spread about town. But IT GIRL doesn't care after she's nicked a tenner from her pub and necked half a bottle of vodka. - - - - ITS school time (It's not fair). IT GIRL has no friends left because she's had all their boyfriends. IT GIRL stops going to school. She borrows money from Mother (who's too leathered to notice) and hangs around town. She titter-totters from one pub to another in her high heels and red lipstick and newly developed cleavage. IT GIRL likes a drink and she's always good for a shag. - - - - IT'S a Suicide Attempt In her best handwriting IT GIRL copies Marilyn Monroe's (alleged) suicide note from her unofficial biography, then signs her much practised signature. She lies back on her James Dean quilt cover, and drinks Mother's Martini. She takes a deep breath of Channel No.5, and looks forward to her sophisticated scandal. - - - - ITS not worked At the hospital Mother sits filing her false nails, waiting for IT GIRL to wake up. Thanks to It, Mother's had to miss Her Ladies Darts Match. What a selfish daughter she has. Thinks of nobody but herself. - - - - ITS Still Not Working IT GIRL leaves school. But she's not going on 'no YTS scheme that pays 5p a week.' At her fifth job in eight weeks (telesales), "It's not telesales, it's communications, okay?", IT GIRL meets MEAL TICKET. IT GIRL'S high heels move into MEAL TICKET's pad. - - - - It's Positive After her abortion, MEAL TICKET picks her up and brings her home. Then he takes IT GIRL's new best friend to a club. MEAL TICKET is bored with high heels and alcohol. They embarrass him. IT GIRL gets wasted and forgets him. While she's at it, she forgets her parents, friends, and anything else to do with her past. - - - - IT'S London, Where the streets aren't paved with dog shit. IT GIRL'S high heels head for London, leaving their accent behind. IT GIRL blags her way into new circles and new jobs and finds a new mixer. C, darling. IT GIRL buys red Gucci high heels. IT GIRL is high society. ITS 'who you know' and not what. It Girl is v.popular. So far, she's had over 60 men. But what the fuck. She can't remember them, and who's counting? And she was arseholed so that means they don't count. - - - - IT GIRL has Arrived. New job, plus company car. IT GIRL has failed her test six times now. IT GIRL is too wasted to reverse around corners. But it doesn't matter if she can't drive her car. As long as she's got one. - - - - ITS POSITIVE AGAIN (Oops). But Hey, her photograph was in three magazines this month. - - - - It Likes... sitting with other ITS in vashionable coffee bar windows, chit-chatting. Eeerm. Using AmEx card, course. Walking into Paul Smith's with the sales assistants acting like desperado dogs to dress her. And... It Girl likes her 'trust-fund-kid' image and her newly plumped lips. Dislikes...
- - - - ITS not Good. IT GIRL sells her most influential friend's top secrets to a sleazy newspaper. - - - - It's Time to Sober Up IT GIRL'S synthetic life is crumbling all around her. She has lost her friends and contracts at work. IT GIRL can't moderate. IT joins AAnonymous. SOBER IT recalls some of her drunken lies; she hopes her boyfriend doesn't discover that Mother is really alive. And not dead like she told him when she wanted a new suit from Karen Millen. Poor IT GIRL has been suffering from Princess Syndrome. - - - - Ibiza '92 IT GIRL'S high heels have titter-tottered and tripped over their Second Step. But why live in the real world when you can live in Ibiza? Whoa! Yeah. Whoa! Yeah. ITS Ecstasy. IT GIRL'S high heels dance with their feather boa by night, and by day drink champagne on Millionaires' yaughts. At the end of the season, It Girl's high heels realise they are dancing alone. They tip-toe Twelve Steps home. - - - - ITS Really Positive IT GIRL gazes into her baby-blue contact lensed eyes in the mirror every sober morning and recites her affirmation: I love you and you're a worthwhile and valuable person. IT GIRL'S Hugging that Monster, and Feeling the Fear but doing it anyway — IT GIRL is a Positive Thinker. - - - - Ward Five, '99 IT GIRL sits with her orange pan-stick and her high heels. IT GIRL'S Clarins beauty seems to be a thing of the past, along with her mind and her beauty. Still, at least she believes she is sitting in The Priory. IT GIRL is drawing a picture of a pair of red high heels, a silver Jaguar, and a beautiful blonde, wearing a fat fur coat. When they find time, Mummy and Daddy come to visit. IT GIRL is very happy and shows them her picture. Daddy says it is very good and calls her his VERY OWN PRINCESS. And they all lived ever after. (IT'S the end).
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Issue 6 Has Arrived to Confuse You Remarks Made at An Accredited University in New York City, or, Ask a Former Professional Literary Agent, Part X By John Hodgman Other Spy Troubles By Jeff Johnson My Dollhouse By Renate Robertson Magazine Ad Sponsored by a Reputable Trust Company By David Rossmann |
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