Through this Friday, all available back issues of Wholphin are half off—10 bucks apiece for countless warm evenings of rare films, featuring Miranda July, Paul Rudd, Donald Trump, and a monkey-faced eel. - - - - |
A systems analyst fumbling with a blue ice cube tray until it snaps in half. He curses under breath as his co-workers look on, supressing their laughter. Frustrated, the man picks up the fallen cubes, throws his Fresca in the sink, and returns to his cubicle. OR An overweight secretary dipping a honey-glazed doughnut into her Sex and the City coffee mug. It breaks off into her latte and as she closes her eyes and sighs, she wonders what Sarah Jessica Parker would do in this situation. - - - - A goateed toy-store employee ringing through a woman and her daughter. The purchase of a male and a female doll comes to 69 dollars even. He giggles to himself at first, but as the credit card is being processed, his laughter escalates. The woman demands to know what is so funny and he does his best to explain the irony. Outraged, she complains to the manager and the employee is given a stern warning. OR A man seeking the help of an attractive clothing-store employee to buy an apology gift for his girlfriend. They flirt openly while looking for the present. At one point, she asks what the circumstances were surrounding their fight, only instead of saying "circumstances" she says "circumcises." He laughs and pokes fun at her error. She grows uncomfortable and tells him she has to fold sweaters. He leaves without buying anything. - - - - Two high-school juniors flirting innocently during their first semester. Come February, they agree to exchange Valentine's Day gifts. They bring the gifts to school and, in front of the class, their teacher incorporates the swap into a French lesson. The boy receives a leather Raiders cap and thanks the girl in French. The girl receives an old, filthy teddy bear. Clearly the victim of a practical joke, she runs from the room in tears. OR A couple of 6th-grade boys discovering that each is vying for the affection of the same girl. The nastier of the two gets his sister to phone the other boy, pretending to be the object of desire. They make a date and the nice boy is stood up. The next day he feigns illness and stays home so as not to face the waiting humiliation. - - - - A soccer mom spending all Saturday morning baking brownies for her son's post-game potluck. At the dinner, she discovers that not only has someone else baked brownies, but that the children prefer the ones she didn't make. For the rest of the evening she casually incorporates the quality of her brownies into every conversation. OR A father and son spending months together building a go-kart for entry into the community's big race. They come in second place, losing out to a neighbor who, two days prior, beat the father out for a promotion. Returning home, the father destroys the go-kart in a fit of rage.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Daryl, My Best Friend By Ben Greenman Adventure Week: Legion of Doom By Kurt Luchs Adventure Week: As Far as the Eye Can See, Part 2 of 2 By Benjamin Jared Gilton Adventure Week: As Far as the Eye Can See, Part 1 of 2 By Benjamin Jared Gilton Adventure Week: Shackleton's Undeliverable E-mail By Jim Ruland |
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