Through this Friday, all available back issues of Wholphin are half off—10 bucks apiece for countless warm evenings of rare films, featuring Miranda July, Paul Rudd, Donald Trump, and a monkey-faced eel. - - - - |
CAST OF CHARACTERS: 1) Cart
2) Mass
3) Block
4) Jane
5) Susie
6) John
7) Truck
8) Icy Path
9) Car, travelling at constant velocity
10) Massless, frictionless Rope
11) Pulleys
- - - - SCENE ONE: Mass and Cart collide. Jane sniggers from the sidewalk, but continues pulling Block along behind her, little-red-wagon style. She slips on Icy Path, and falls loudly, with a sickening crack and a little yelp. When John leaves the Pulley contraption he had been working so intently on, to go help her up, she cusses him out. After sliding almost 20 feet more, she gets up, gives Block a few melancholy pats, and continues walking. Cart and Mass have disentangled themselves but have begun zipping erratically around again. They travel nonchalantly along, humming quietly, but it's clear what they are up to. They hum along in circles and suddenly, Whoom!, Cart acts unsuspecting when it is sent careening right down Icy Path. Everyone knows what it is up to. It runs into Jane. Jane is sent careening, as is her cherished Block, attached to silent Rope, attached to evil Jane. The three go skidding, turning, sliding along Icy Path. Jane gets a furious maniacal gleam in her eye, but she just smiles, quiet and furious, all the while stroking Block, as it flies along beside her. - - - - SCENE TWO: Icy Path has no friction, and so John runs outside, and brings Block, Jane, Rope to a stop. Once Jane has come to a stop and cussed John out once again, he walks back inside with a smile, hands in pockets. John and Susie have been inside all day, fiddling with Pulley, Rope, Mass. As soon as they finish setting up a contraption (involving multiple steps, multiple causes, multiple effects) they grin at each other and shake hands. Then they stand back to decide what to build next; hands on hips, right feet tapping. Masses, Blocks, Ropes, Pulleys are put into action, and skid—one, two, three—along. John and Susie are self-satisfied, self-absorbed, and they watch Mass, Pulley, Rope move—one, two, three—with vacant grins (like the smiles exhibited when the person taking the picture has taken too long to figure out the flash). Mass falls to the floor Bam!, and John picks it up and he and Susie figure yet another contraption— one, two, three; one, two, three. They grin all the while. - - - - SCENE THREE: John and Susie have rigged up a contraption of sixty-three Pulleys, ninety-four massless, frictionless Ropes, and various Masses and Blocks. The contraption works without impediment and John and Susie watch. Ropes skid and slide over the Pulleys, the Masses drop, waver, drop, are set up again. This is one of the best contraptions yet. It's so deliciously complex. Downstairs, Truck begins accelerating at a little distance from their little building, and runs into it with a shrieking crash. There is a quiet pause while Truck shifts into reverse and backs up. Then the roar of the engine again, and the shrieking crash. John and Susie pretend not to notice, and when not grinning they watch each other over the busy Pulleys. - - - - SCENE FOUR: Jane is the driver of Truck! It is clear now, because when John goes downstairs to ask the suicidal truck driver ever so nicely to stop ramming the building, he is cussed out for the third time, by that shrill, familiar voice. John calls her bluff and she steps gingerly down from the gigantic vehicle, leaving it to idle loudly. She looks peeved. Susie lets out a victorious little giggle from the upstairs window. John goes upstairs, hands in pockets, grinning vacantly. Susie grins vacantly back. Jane is furious, and is stroking Block with a ferocious frequency. Jane slips on Icy Path again, and is sent sliding, but she continues stroking Block. John is too wrapped up upstairs to notice, what with the Pulleys sliding so well: one, two, three; one, two, three. The building is rammed again by Truck, whom everyone had forgotten, now that Jane is sliding on Icy Path. Then the pause, the reverse, and the crash-clatter once again.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Amy Fusselman's New Book, The Pharmacist's Mate, Is Now Available and Has Been Warmly Received First Panels of Beetle Bailey Comics Which, Taken out of the Context of the Remaining Panels, Provide a More Realistic Portrayal of Life at Camp Swampy By John Moe An Interview With Robin Bendetti, a Scientist Who Recreates the Pressures and Temperatures of Planetary Cores in Her Lab, and Thinks the Cores of Neptune and Uranus Are Diamond By Amie Barrodale God Damn, Kilogram! By David Manning Hitting By Carrie Hoffman |
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