Timothy McSweeney's Header Image

We're giving away books this holiday season. Click here to learn more about our very special holiday deal.

- - - -

H E A R T S ,   V E S S E L S ,
D I A M O N D S .


BY AMY E. WIRTZ

- - - -

If you were to rip all of the arteries out of the human body, all in one fell swoop, so that they were still connected to one another, it would form something like a roadmap, except bloody, but don't focus on the bloody part.

It would appear as crazy little dirt roads all leading to the heart, or rather, more specifically, the aorta. When you go to rip out the arteries, you should probably start with the heart. It is easy to grasp, a heart, being shaped like your fist, and about the size of that, like a softball only softer.

It sounds difficult, but actually, it is much, much easier than, say, eating a lobster. That's hard. And not terribly fulfilling, overall.

I remember the first time I had a go at a lobster. There were egg-like things in it, like little opals, or really shiny glass beads from the hippie shop down the street. And I sat there, in my ridiculous plastic bib, feeling pretty foolish already, sort of in shock, and definitely confused, wondering what the beads were, and were they worth anything?

My "beads," it turns out, were diamonds. I was rich. And I floated on that thought, wondering what to do with all of that money, how I would give it away, and to whom, because I didn't really need money, now that I knew where to find diamonds in lobsters. They're somewhere around where the heart should be. You have to dig around a bit, past the digestive glands, but it's there, plain as day.

Arteries are found in all parts of the human body, except in the hairs, nails, epidermis, cartilage, and cornea. Diamonds are found in the abdomen of lobsters, never in its claws, or "chelipeds."

In 1999, in the state of Maine, a catch of 52,614,536 pounds of lobster brought in $181,538,232.00.

This figure does not take into consideration the diamonds.

 

 

OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
- - - -


Things I Have Learned By Sarah Manguso
Sound Check at the Central Park Open Mic Poetry Reading By Dan Kennedy
The World Leader, Part 1: President George W. Bush in Genoa, Italy
Less Is Best, Mr. Nabokov By Mike Sacks
The * of America and ___ Nation: A Book Review By Julia Lipman

- - - -

MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES

 

Memories of Amanda Davis

 


Red dot denotes content that is new today.

Black dot denotes newish content.

McSWEENEY'S STORE

SUBSCRIBE TO:
McSWEENEY'S
THE BELIEVER
WHOLPHIN

FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS

THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD

INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE

THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING

McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST

McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES

ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES:
FOR BOOKS
FOR THE QUARTERLY
FOR THE WEBSITE
FOR WHOLPHIN

McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS

CONTACT US

- - - -

LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S

LISTS

McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS

McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS

NEW WHOLPHIN FILM

DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST

JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY

REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD

DISPATCHES FROM MANILA

DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW

SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT?

DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA

THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL

BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS

DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST

SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL

DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S SICK OF THE REVOLUTION

DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ

SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES

PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON

STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE

DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET

KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE

SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY

LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES

THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST

ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT

ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES

ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS

ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS

ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS

ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA

ABOUT DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S VACATION

LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY

DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY

ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY

DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE

JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES

B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE

INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS

OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND

DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN

MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY

DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO
A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA


DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER

STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT

- - - -

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL