O N E M O R N I N G ,
A T T H E
O F F I C E .
BY KEVIN SHAY
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9:51 AM
Attention, all tenants. Your attention, please. We will be testing the fire alarm system in this building throughout the day. Please disregard all alarms. Repeat, please disregard any alarm you hear. Thank you for your attention.
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10:17 AM
Attention, all tenants. Something just occurred to me. Earlier, I told you to disregard any alarms you hear. But what if there really were a fire in the building today? There is not a fire. Repeat, there is not a fire. I'm just speculating here. If there were a fire, which there is not, you would disregard the alarm, because that's what we said to do. Man, that would be bad. I'm going to have to think about how to handle this. Thank you for your attention.
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10:19 AM
Attention, all tenants. I think I've got it. If there is an actual fire — and there is not presently a fire, repeat, there is not a fire — but if there is, I or one of my colleagues will come on this intercom system and say, "This is not a test." That will be in addition to the fire alarm, which you would normally disregard, today only, because we're testing the fire alarm system. So please disregard all alarms unless they are accompanied by someone saying, "This is not a test." But wait, that's in quotation marks. I'm not saying that this, right now, is not a test. I'm saying that's what you will hear in the event of a non-test alarm. Thank you for your attention.
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10:46 AM
Attention, all tenants. Your attention, please. We apologize for that last alarm. As you may have heard, someone said, "This is not a test" and a lot of you ended up running for the fire exits. Which is good, except for the running part. You should walk, not run. But other than that, you did the right thing, those of you that headed for the exits. Because that's what we had told you to do, if there was a fire and someone said, "This is not a test." What happened was my partner here, Dan's his name, he took it upon himself to test this new non-test alarm procedure, which after all was untested. I'm not saying he was wrong to do it, although it's not a decision I would have made myself. And you know, it turned out it was kind of hard to hear the difference between "This is not a test" and "This is only a test," what with that noisy alarm going off. So let's try a different approach. I think what we need here is a special word of sorts, which we won't say unless there's an actual fire. So if you hear this particular word, the alarm is not a test, and you should exit the building in an orderly fashion. Let's see. What's a good word? Okay, I've got one. But I'll only say it once, because after that, if you hear this word over this intercom, that means there's a fire. But this time, when I say it, which I'm about to, that doesn't mean there's a fire. Repeat, there is no fire. I'm just telling you the special word for future reference. We will never, ever say this word unless there's a real, honest-to-god fire. The word is this: umbrella. Thank you for your attention.
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11:11 AM
Attention, all tenants. This is the hardest announcement I've ever had to make. I'm going to have to go back on my promise. I'm about to say that special word, the one that I swore not to say unless there was a fire. But there is no fire. Repeat, there is no fire. So when I say it, please disregard. "Umbrella" — there, I said it — isn't going to work out. It seems there's a company on the eighth floor called Purple Umbrella Productions. So there are all sorts of non-fire-related reasons someone might say that word over the intercom. Listen, I want to choose another word, but I'm not familiar with all the companies in this building, so it's gonna take a while to come up with a word that won't cause another "umbrella" debacle. I'm so, so sorry. Thank you for your attention.
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12:08 PM
Attention, all tenants. We have completed the testing of the fire alarm system. Please disregard all previous orders to disregard. Thank you for your attention.
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