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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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A R T I F I C I A L   B E C K E T T , O R , H O W   I   U S E D   T H E S E C O N D   C H A P T E R   O F " M U R P H Y "   T O   B E F U D D L E M Y   E X - G I R L F R I E N D   W I T H I N S T A N T   M E S S A G E S . BY CHRIS KAYE - - - - mfBardot101: Hey - I'm changing jobs. mfBardot101: Got approached by a zealous headhunter who organized an interview at another law firm. It's smaller, but the money is SO much better. DarthSinatra: Age. mfBardot101: I'm not even in such a good mood - I'm kinda bored. Gave my first notice of resignation (in my life, that is) last Friday. I cried like a fool in front of one partner. Can you believe it? DarthSinatra: Unimportant. mfBardot101: Wha?? You perceive me as a crybaby? mfBardot101: I got emotional - I don't even know why. It was so embarrassing. DarthSinatra: Head. mfBardot101: What about it? Do you want some? mfBardot101: Haha. Sorry - dirty joke. DarthSinatra: Small and round. mfBardot101: Anyway, I saw you online and thought I'd check in, get the scoop. DarthSinatra: Eyes. DarthSinatra: Green. mfBardot101: Throw me a bone, will ya? mfBardot101: Sorry to bug you. You must be leaving soon. DarthSinatra: Complexion. mfBardot101: ? DarthSinatra: White. mfBardot101: Huh? DarthSinatra: Hair. mfBardot101: Yo. DarthSinatra: Yellow. mfBardot101: That is such a racist thing to say. DarthSinatra: Features. mfBardot101: ? DarthSinatra: Mobile. DarthSinatra: Neck. mfBardot101: What the fuck are you talking about? DarthSinatra: 13 3/4". DarthSinatra: Upper arm. mfBardot101: You got a man for me or something? DarthSinatra: 11". mfBardot101: What are you talking about? mfBardot101: Hmmm? DarthSinatra: Forearm. mfBardot101: Come on. DarthSinatra: 9 1/2". mfBardot101: Hey. You've been warned by mfBardot101. Your warning level has increased from 0% to 20%. DarthSinatra: Wrist. mfBardot101: I don't get it DarthSinatra: 6". mfBardot101: Whose measurements are these? DarthSinatra: Bust. mfBardot101: You have one too? DarthSinatra: 34". mfBardot101: So we are talking about a chick? mfBardot101: Man, you are SO chatty today. DarthSinatra: Waist. DarthSinatra: 27". mfBardot101: It's like I hardly have time to read you, you're writing so fast!!! DarthSinatra: Hips, etc. DarthSinatra: 35". mfBardot101: Ok. You've been warned by mfBardot101. Your warning level has increased from 20% to 30%. DarthSinatra: Thigh. mfBardot101: Come on, Chris. mfBardot101: That's not fair. DarthSinatra: 21 3/4". mfBardot101: What is this about? mfBardot101: You appear, not so transparently, to be making a jab at me, which is a regretful thing. DarthSinatra: Knee. mfBardot101: You are driving me nuts. DarthSinatra: 13 3/4". mfBardot101: Is this like that movie "Weird Science"? mfBardot101: I know this isn't me, b/c my eyes aren't green. mfBardot101: But some of this stuff is close to me. DarthSinatra: Calf. mfBardot101: I know you still think that I lied. Human relationships and not wanting to hurt others make people lie every single day. People tell each other they look good when they think the opposite, etc. All because we live in a civilized society where people's feelings are taken into consideration. DarthSinatra: 13". mfBardot101: I am sorry you still feel this way. mfBardot101: It's too bad we can't just be friends. DarthSinatra: Ankle. mfBardot101: I am terribly sorry about any pain I may have caused you. DarthSinatra: Instep. You've been warned by mfBardot101. Your warning level has increased from 30% to 40%. mfBardot101: CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THIS IS ABOUT? mfBardot101: Pretty please? DarthSinatra: 8 1/4". mfBardot101: You're an asshole. mfBardot101: Sorry. Don't mean to be a bitch. My grandfather just died and I haven't been myself lately. DarthSinatra: Unimportant. mfBardot101: WHAT?!!!! DarthSinatra: Height. mfBardot101: Ok. So you'd rather never hear from me again? mfBardot101: You are angry. DarthSinatra: 5' 4". mfBardot101: I just want to bury the hatchet. DarthSinatra: Weight. mfBardot101: Look, If you'd rather I NEVER IM you again, just say so. DarthSinatra: 123 lbs. mfBardot101: I'm just trying to have a friendly chat with you. Is that so troublesome? Sometimes people need to let water under the bridge before being able to communicate again. mfBardot101: What is wrong with you? You can't handle this? mfBardot101: Sorry. Sorry about bothering you. Bye. mfBardot101 Signed off at 6:31 p.m. DarthSinatra: She stormed away from the callbox, accompanied delightedly by her hips, etc.     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - The Art of Conversation By Thom Marrion At The Exhibit of Cuban Art By Aaron Tassano He's A Porketarian and I Love Him By Rose Gowen The Tyranny of Water By Mark McManus Hearts, Vessels, Diamonds By Amy E. Wirtz

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL