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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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I   A M N U M B E R   O N E . BY MIKE TOPP - - - - STELLA It was a hot afternoon - perfect for a swim - but I'd promised Stella I'd meet her at the train station. Around two o'clock I took my bicycle and started out. When I arrived at the train station, Stella wasn't there. Then I realized I wasn't at the train station, but in a hut made of tongue depressors and pieces of gum. Still, where was she? - - - - THE BEST YAHOO EVER The best yahoo I ever had was with Yahoo. We did it yahoo yahoo yahoo yahoo yahoo yahoo and it lasted for yahoo. It was great and I remember it vividly. - - - - DREAM I dreamed I split into my good and evil selves and found that without the evil part I dithered too much to command The Enterprise. - - - - FLY Why should a fly infuriate you when you're trying to fall asleep, even if it's clicking castanets and wearing a beanie with a propeller? - - - - THE GIFT OF COAL Give a lover an expensive diamond ring and that lover will probably lose it in a cocktail lounge when they're getting drunk with their sexy co-worker. But give a lover a lump of coal and they can carry it around all day and squeeze it very tightly in their hand and eventually it might turn into a diamond, although it should still have a nice setting. - - - - WHERE WE FOUND YOU X - - - - CARP My brother raised some carp in a fish pond in our back yard. One time, as a joke, my friend and I were really high and we leaned out my bedroom window and shot all the carp with a rifle. Then we threw the fish in the street and my brother ran over them in his car when pulling into the driveway. The thing was he failed to see the humor in the situation. Hey, Randy, loosen up! - - - - GREAT EXPECTATIONS Sorry if you thought this would be interesting. It's not.     OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES: - - - - Alternate Endings Featured On The DVD Re-Release Of The Night When You Saw Me, One Year Later By Michelle Orange Artificial Beckett, Or, How I Used The Second Chapter Of "Murphy" To Befuddle My Ex-Girlfriend With Instant Messages By Chris Kaye The Art of Conversation By Thom Marrion At The Exhibit of Cuban Art By Aaron Tassano He's A Porketarian and I Love Him By Rose Gowen

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL