C O M E D I C V A R I A T I O N S
O N
T H R E E T H E M E S .
BY PAUL J. WILLIAMS
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CHEMISTRY SETS:
Jerry Seinfeld:
Can someone please explain to me the chemistry set? Did our parents want us to cause explosions or taste poison? Was this really a good idea?
Dennis Miller:
You get that chemistry set and suddenly the basement goes Krakatoa on you. You've got the davenport orbiting the exosphere like Skylab.
Chris Rock:
And you KNOW the first thing you thought about when you got the chemistry set: "I'm gonna blow some shit up!"
Tim Allen:
Ar Ar Ar Ar Explosions Ar Ar Ar.
Bill Cosby:
So I told the children, I said, "Yeeewww. Cannot. BLOW. Things up!"
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RODEO CLOWNS:
Jerry Seinfeld:
What's the deal with rodeo clowns? Whose idea was this? At some point, someone must have said, "Fellas, we've had a lot of guys killed by angry bulls. We need a way to distract them. So I'm thinking, what about — I'm just brainstorming here — clowns?"
Dennis Miller:
There's a smart vocational choice, huh? I think I should dress up like Bozo and divert the attention of twelve hundred pounds of enraged bovine. What, was that job as the bazooka target already filled?
Chris Rock:
Do we need any more proof that white people are CRAZIER than black people? How many black rodeo clowns you ever seen?
Tim Allen:
Ar Ar Ar Ar Rodeo Clowns Ar Ar Ar.
Bill Cosby:
So I told the children, I said, "Yeeewwww. Cannot become. A RODEO CLOWN!"
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GENOCIDE:
Jerry Seinfeld:
What's the deal with genocide? Is it really that important to make sure that you've rubbed out everybody?
Dennis Miller:
I don't want to get off on a rant here, but doesn't it seem like we throw around the term genocide an awful lot these days? You really should have to lose a significant portion of your ethnic population before you go and cry about it.
Chris Rock:
A white guy actually said that to me once, "Well, at least your people never went through genocide." Well, ain't I fucking grateful for small favors.
Tim Allen:
Ar Ar Ar Ar Genocide Ar Ar.
Bill Cosby:
So I told the children, I said, "Yeeewwwww. Cannot become. A GENOCIDE!"
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
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A Brief History of the Sidewalk Sale By Paul Sopocy
I Am Number One By Mike Topp
Alternate Endings Featured On The DVD Re-Release Of The Night When You Saw Me, One Year Later By Michelle Orange
Artificial Beckett, Or, How I Used The Second Chapter Of "Murphy" To Befuddle My Ex-Girlfriend With Instant Messages By Chris Kaye
The Art of Conversation By Thom Marrion
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