Finland. (Bazooka Joe is stirring a pot on a stove). Buddhist Monk: Hi, Bazooka Joe, what's for breakfast? Bazooka Joe: Hundreds of things. Buddhist Monk: What are they? Bazooka Joe: Beans. Buddhist Monk: Then it is one thing. - - - - Australia. (Bazooka Joe is frantically wrapping duct tape around a fuel conduit). Flight Surgeon: Hi, Cosmonaut Bazooka Joe, what's for breakfast? Bazooka Joe: Stand back. We are rapidly losing pressure in the main catalyst valve. Flight Surgeon: Oh, in that case I know what's for breakfast. Bazooka Joe: What's that? Flight Surgeon: Duct tape. - - - - Silicon Valley. (Bazooka Joe is preparing the holy host). Cardinal: Hi, Father Bazooka Joe, what's for breakfast? Bazooka Joe: Two things. Cardinal: What are they? Bazooka Joe: The body and the blood of Christ. Cardinal: Awww, we had that for breakfast last Sunday. - - - - Vatican City. (Bazooka Joe is marching in a harvest-parade of 100,000 workers and peasants in spontaneous celebration of the visionary leadership of Kim Jong Il). Cadre: Hi, Comrade Bazooka Joe, what's for breakfast? Bazooka Joe: Two things. Cadre: What are they? Bazooka Joe: One of them is a heartfelt recital of the address our Dear Leader made last week to the 9th district union of tractor engineers. Cadre: What's the second thing? Bazooka Joe: A bean. - - - - Tibet. (Bazooka Joe is watching movers carting off leased computer equipment from his vaulted-ceiling studio/office). Venture capitalist: Hi, failed dot-com CEO Bazooka Joe, what's for breakfast? Bazooka Joe: Nothing. Now that the e-business model has been revealed as a horrible delusion we can't even afford to buy a can of beans. Venture capitalist: Oh, don't worry, you'll be seeing lots of beans in your next job. Bazooka Joe: Why's that? Venture capitalist: Because you'll be working at Starbucks. - - - - Mir Space Station. (Bazooka Joe is sitting at a cafe signing a manifesto). Situationalist: Hi, Bazooka Joe, what's for breakfast? Bazooka Joe: The text of this comic, like all texts, has no meaning except in reference to itself. Situationalist: Yes, but what's for breakfast? Bazooka Joe: Bubble gum? - - - - North Korea. (Bazooka Joe is lying in the outback with X's over his eyes beside a talking dingo). Bushwacker: Hiya, bloke, Bazooka Joe doesn't look so good. What did he have for breakfast? Bazooka Joe's talking dingo: He had hundreds of things. Bushwacker: What were they? Bazooka Joe's talking dingo: Beers. - - - - Left bank, 1968. (Bazooka Joe is sitting on an ice floe in the noon darkness beside a can of beans. He has the barrel of a gun in his mouth). Pale acquaintance: Hi, Bazooka Joe, what's for breakfast? Bazooka Joe: Despair. There is no reason to go on living in this world of cruelty and eternal darkness. Pale acquaintance: In that case, can I have your beans?
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
The Thirty-Two Words By Christopher Hickman The Inspector of Bees: An Interview with Charles Simmonds, Nebraska State Apiarist By Jessica Reik Candle Party By Alysia Gray Painter Four Under Twenty Whom You Need Not Watch By Dan Kennedy In 2101: Three Stories by Young People By Zach Ejuone, Meghan Lyden, and Sam Bradford |
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.