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Quote: "Let he who is without sin, um... cast the first stone." Result: Jesus hit on head with rock. Spends rest of the day complaining.
Quote: "Action! um... Action! um... Action!" Result: Demosthenes excluded from Plutarch's Lives of the Ten Orators. Appears instead in later book, Lives of the Ten Dorks.
Quote: "I will make you, um... shorter by the head." Result: Members of Queen Elizabeth's council laugh and say, "Ooh, we're so scared." At next meeting of Parliament, Queen is pelted with sheeps' bladders filled with water.
Quote: "Give me liberty or give me... um... death." Result: The United States fails to become independent country. Not one single high school is named after Patrick Henry.
Quote: "A house divided against itself cannot... um... stand." Result: Lincoln fails to receive nomination; Civil War delayed twenty years; Chester A. Arthur becomes greatest president.
Quote: "The only thing we have to fear is... um... fear itself." Result: Fear and hysteria lead to police state. FDR becomes known as Uncle Franklin, Our Divine and Exalted Leader. The Resistance attempts to overthrow totalitarian regime, which leads to civil war and nuclear holocaust. Planet later ruled by apes that treat humans as slaves.
Quote: "I believe it is peace for our... um... time." Result: In the moment of hesitation Chamberlain realizes his mistake. He flies back to Germany, his plane bursting through the walls of Hitler's lair. The Fuhrer swivels in his chair and points a pistol at the Prime Minister. "I've been expecting you, Mr. Chamberlain." Chamberlain leaps from his plane and kicks the pistol from Hitler's hand. The two men struggle, Hitler on Chamberlain, Chamberlain on Hitler. Hitler smashes a coffee table on Chamberlain's back. Chamberlain karate chops Hitler in the solar plexus. The Fuhrer falls to the floor, coughing, crawling, trying to reach his escape pod. Chamberlain picks up the weapon. "Peace for our time," says the British prime minister, the gun blast echoing through the room. "Oh yes, my friend, we will indeed have piece for our time."
Quote: "I have a... um... dream." Result: King forgets entire speech. Starts saying things like, "Hey, how's everyone doing out there!" and "Hello, Washington, D.C.!" Begins a painfully protracted ad-lib about "this really weird dream" he had the night before. Critics call it the worst speech since Jesus got hit with the rock.
Quote: "Ask not, um, what your country can do for you, ask what you can, um, do for your country." Result: No effect. Kennedy did that "uh" thing when he talked.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Her Buried Hair By Rachel Carpenter Cat-Hating, Tobacco-Smoking Anarchists Need Not Apply: Housing Requests and Offers for Anti-World Economic Forum Demonstrators By Kevin Guilfoile About the Doorknobs of America, An Interview with Bruce Gerrie, Curator of the First Major Exhibit of Antique Doorknobs in the United States By Matthew Summers-Sparks How to Remember Names and Faces, Part 3: A Shopping List a Woman Can't Forget By Robert H. Nutt Here in the Komi Autonomous Oblast By Christopher Orlet |
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